About Face

Yesterday was One Of Those Days.  It began slightly after midnight.  My kid woke up screaming and crying and refusing to go back to bed.  It took me 30 minutes to coax him out of whatever dream/night terror state he was in and convince him to get into bed with me.  At last he fell back asleep- but guess what?  I was wide. awake.  And just laying there, my brain swirling around in my head, digging up the dregs of old to-do's and worries.

I decided to get up and go do something else for a bit- maybe reset my brain back into sleepy time mode.  For some reason, I grabbed our little Flip video camera and decided that I would get the baby videos off of it that have been on there for, say, 3 years.  So, at 1:00am, I plug it into my computer and attempt a download.  YOU NEED AN UPDATE it says.  THIS CAN BE DONE WITH A CAMERA WITH VIDEOS ON IT, BUT IT WILL TAKE LONGER it says.  This is fine.  I have all night!

I begin the update and everything seems to be going fine.  I feel sleep creeping back up and go to bed.

Fast forward 4 hours or so and I'm up, checking on the camera.  CAMERA HAS BEEN UPDATED. Goody!  I check the camera after I (safely) remove it from the computer and...(I'm sure you can see where this is going) the videos are gone.  The thing is wiped.  Empty.  Ready to Record!  What. the. fuck. 

I have what basically amounts to a very ungraceful panic attack, searching my hard drive, the camera, for the missing baby videos.  I download and run recovery software, to no avail.  I'm crying, remembering the precious footage of Otto's first day crawling, his first steps, singing Twinkle Twinkle.   Otto's looking at me, confused.  "We're sad about baby movies, Mama?  But I'm a big boy!"

I go to work upset and sad.

Work is work, only times a MILLION because shit is hitting the fan and we're super busy and I have, like, 87 meetings scheduled and everyone is pissy and etc. etc.  And the entire time, I'm on the edge of a melt down, thinking about the fucking baby videos.

Finally, the day is over and I get home.  The Husband, bless him, has carnitas in the crock pot and a six-pack waiting for me.  It is at this point that the day begins to slowly turn back towards the light.  We have an amazing dinner, I do the (minimal) dishes and decide to call a good friend for a little venting session. 

We have a good talk about woes, parenting, books, work (love you, L!) and I hang up feeling more centered than I have all day.

At this point, I get a text from the Husband, who is downstairs with the kiddo that says, "You can't find us.  Hahahahahahahaha!- the Potzula Gang."

Laughing, I go downstairs to see that an elaborate fort has been constructed with an old quilt and two pairs of shoes are poking out, one little, one large.  Copious amounts of giggling emanate from under the fort.  "FEE FIE FO FUM, I SMELL THE BLOOD OF AN ENGLISHMAN"  I boom, as I thump down the stairs.  The giggling intensifies.

After playing a bit, while the Husband is doing jammies/brushing teeth/reading stories duties, I turn once more to my computer.  Sighing, I log in to check my email, resisting the urge to throw the stupid Flip camera across the room but also realizing that its not the end of the world.  While videos, pictures and keepsakes are nice, I have awesome friends, an amazing family and I get to LIVE in these moments. 

Suddenly, on my desktop, I notice a folder way down in the lower left corner that I haven't noticed before.  Flip Video Backup, it says.  I click.

And yeah, you guessed it.  The missing baby videos.  All there.  All beautiful.  All not lost.

I go to bed happy, loved, realizing that losing those little movies wasn't the end of the world.  But I'm glad I have them back.  We all sleep through the night, waking up to a new day to cherish and new memories to record. 

9 Freaking Years

Today is one of those rare days where the world seems just right. Do you know what I mean? The stars have aligned, the pieces have clicked into place and for what I'm sure is a very brief moment things are...magically copacetic. My family is sleeping well again, the weather is finally behaving itself and even though we are broke, we're broke together which can be kind of fun in a twisted, depraved sort of way.

Today is also the husband's and my 9th wedding anniversary. And fuck if that doesn't make me feel old as dirt.

We met the week after I turned 16. Love at first sight and teenage angst and first times and all that. The next few years were heady, passionate, and volatile: After being attached at the hip for a year, B. went to college, I dated someone else. I went to Europe, he dropped out of school. I came back and went to a University Far Away. B. decided to join me and moved halfway across country. It didn't work out, horribly, and we didn't speak for 2 years.

Then, somehow, we reconnected. Really, it was just both of us pulling our heads up out of our asses long enough to realize "DUH we're supposed to be together so lets stop acting like idiots." We spent one amazing summer together and by the end of it, just after I turned 22, we were engaged.

And its been a crazy ride ever since. I'd like to say its all been romance and laughter but you'd know that was bullshit. I'd like to say, rather, its been REAL. The romance and laughter have been there right along with the frustration, the heartache, and the late night heated discussions. There have been fights, making up, agony and pure joy. There have been drunken trips to the grocery store at 2am for eggs and bacon, movie marathons, camping trips, funerals, weddings, countless visits with in-laws, private jokes, loving glances, meals prepared. There's been the deaths of a best friend, a grandpa and a beloved pet. There's been an unplanned pregnancy.

There's been Saturday afternoons at the movies, whispering jokes to each other and stifling laughter in the popcorn scented darkness. There's been music- tons and tons of music- songs written, guitars built, pianos played. There's been this whole new thing where suddenly WTF? we are parents and that seems totally INSANE that someone would trust us with something like this and OMG what if we totally screw up?

Mostly? There's been us. The two of us, present in our lives, doing the best we can to be together, stay together, and have fun doing it. And I think we have succeeded. Are succeeding.

And I'm one lucky beeyotch.

SMILE! You're on the Internet!

Any regular reader of this here blog knows that I'm not a spiritual or religious person. I don't really believe in G0d and I tend to trust scientific explanations first and foremost, well, behind those of my dad, Meatloaf and Star Wars. (Really, is there any spiritual dilemma Yoda DOESN'T have the answer for??)

In all seriousness, I do, however, tend to believe in energy...the best way I can think to explain this is that I believe that the energy you put out into the universe comes back to you. Like a boomerang. Or dog poop that won't ever truly be cleaned off the bottom of your shoe, depending.

(An aside: I took this test recently and got 100% Secular Humanism followed by 95% Unitarian Universalist and 92% Liberal Quaker. Interesting.)

Rebecca over at Girls Gone Child recently posted about optimism and perpetuating hope on the Internet. She's right in that negativity is rampant...people (yours truly included) have a tendency to use blogs/facebook/twitter etc. as their own personal emotional dumping grounds. Having a shitty day? Tweet it! Pissed about something? Change your facebook status! We're all guilty of it. And misery loves company, non?

The problem is that generally, shitty moods are contagious. Negativity is like pink eye...unchecked, it will run rampant, blithely infecting all who cross its path. But so is happiness. Optimism. Hope. Whatever you want to call it... Positivity. That can be infectious too.

I'm assuredly guilty of crapping all over the Internet...we all have our moments. And I do not think that you should just put on a happy June Cleaver face because really- it can help people to see/hear/read that others are in the same boat...that everyone struggles with bad moods, money woes, crabby kids, whathaveyou. And reading about others' challenges can be a real boon- the stay-at-home mom who struggles with PPD can find a support network online, etc. The Internet should not be all roses and sunshine and cute little bunnies.

BUT. What does it hurt to share good news? Smiles? Happy thoughts? Nuthin, that's what. Rebecca has a great point.

What do you think?

*********************************

In the spirit of this post, check THIS out. :) Awesome.