Gifts

Yesterday was my birthday.  It was a good day.  I took the kiddo to daycare (his first day in a new classroom- he was so. excited.) and then grabbed the dog and headed up to the mountains for a long trail run.  No ipod or cars to distract me.  Just my breath... my heart beating in my now 33 year old chest...my footfalls hitting the dirt trail in a rhythmic, hypnotizing beat.

I also got a lot of gifts.  From the Husband, a Nike Sportband, something I'd asked for and will use almost daily.  From parents and parents-in-law, money for clothes.  I've gone down almost 3 sizes since this whole running nonsense started and none of my fall/winter clothes really fit well anymore, especially pants. 

The most touching gift, however, was one from a person I barely even know.  In my volunteer job see this woman, we'll call her Shannon,  from time to time- a single mother who works two jobs to support herself and an infant son.  I've been privileged enough to share information with her a few times and I feel like I've helped her have a successful breastfeeding experience so far.  She also sells farm-fresh (delicious) eggs to help make ends meet (which I am SO GLAD we buy- no salmonella worries for us!). 

Anyway, we don't know each other too well but Shannon noticed on facebook that it was my birthday.  While most friends, and frankly even close family were content with a "Happy Birthday!" on my wall, I got a text from her yesterday saying simply "I have a present for you! I'll bring it by tomorrow." 

Today, she came by my day job with her baby (soooo cute) and presented me with a card.  Inside of it was $6 in cash.  "It's not much," she said.  "But I wanted to get you something and I know you said you were asking for money from your parents for clothes."

Honey, you just gave me Everything.

I hugged her.  Told her how sweet it was, realizing that this small amount could very well represent almost an hour of work for her.  I never thought about refusing it...that seems insulting after she went to so much effort. As she drove away, I teared up a little, wondering if I will ever bring myself to spend this hard earned, selflessly given $6.

I'm still not sure.

Snippets

1. Cheney. OMG puke. The more that comes out on him, the more the fact that that creep is from my state just makes me sick. He was bad in office and he's bad out. Gag.

Phew. Glad that's off my chest.

2. My mom came to visit last week. We had a lovely time excepting that 2 days into her trip, she tore a ligament in her ankle and spent the week on crutches and in pain. She still insisted on watching my kid, however, which saved us a buttload of money that we would have normally spent on daycare. She and Otto had such an amazing time together that I was glad she still felt up to it, despite her injury. Yesterday (the first day sans Nana), Otto woke up and immediately asked for her. It broke my heart a little to remind him that we had taken her to the airport so she could ride an airplane back to her home. His response was: "Mah find Nana airport. Mah go get her." Sob.

3. Back to Mom's visit, we had a great day, Saturday, shuffling around the Denver Zoo (mom was in a wheelchair) and the kiddo loved getting to see all the animals and whatnot- so much that he didn't nap until we got back in the car around 4pm. The coolest thing we saw was a baby giraffe nursing from his mom. Otto was so fascinated! And so was I, to be honest. Talk about breastfeeding in public :-)

4. I'm getting super, royally pissed off because all winter I look so forward to riding my bike to work in the summer. This summer, they are doing so much stupid construction around my workplace that I have to ride WAY out of my way and leave my house at the mother effin' buttcrack of dawn and WHY CAN'T IT JUST BE EASY FOR ME TO SAVE GAS AND GET IN SHAPE BY RIDING MY BIKE TO WORK?!?!?!? Stupid.

5. I guess that's it for now...We just keep on keepin' on...live one day at a time, enjoy the time we have together as family and the time we have alone to our thoughts because there are way to few hours in the day and OMG I'm fucking exhausted.

Peace.

HOLY CRAP

**Warning: If you shy away from talk of lady parts, monthly cycles or anything related, DO NOT READ FURTHER. Go check out Huff post or dick around on Twitter instead. You've been warned.**


So...my kid is 19 months old and I JUST NOW got my first period since he was born. And, wonderful Auntie Flo that I (did not) miss so much is totally KICKING MY ASS. And really? I'm a little hurt. We used to be, if not bosom buddies, at least something akin to friendly work associates- in the same boat together so might as well make the most of it. Now? She's apparently out to make my life a living hell, perhaps in retaliation for being held off so long by breastfeeding.

I've been wondering wtf is wrong with me for about a week now- last Sunday night I literally felt myself spiral down into a hog wallow of depression so fast I had emotional whiplash. By Monday, I was seriously considering putting a cease and desist on all personal hygiene and spending the rest of my days eating microwave popcorn and watching TLC. By Tuesday, I was convinced that my husband was really an assassin who's sole mission in life was to irritate me to death. On Wednesday I was entertaining thoughts of self-mutilation. (I'm only half-kidding).

And then yesterday? There she was. A rose that by any other name would be called a complete fucking pain in my ass. But at least it explained the depression, the moodiness, the bloating and oily skin and murderous rage coupled with apathetic despair I'd been feeling for 4 days.

I know that I'm lucky, by comparison. Lots of mama's get their monthly visitor much sooner after giving birth- even with exclusive breastfeeding. I think I was just so used to not seeing that little red stain that I was blindsided when it appeared, 2.5 years after the last time we saw each other. But it explains a lot and I wonder if my PMS symptoms have been a little magnified because she's been gone so long? Because I've really been feeling like I was hit by an emotional Mack truck the last few days and I don't remember feeling quite like that ever before. Hopefully my hormones will even out as my cycles establish some regularity again. One can only hope.

Man, I've been out of the loop. Welcome back, Auntie Flo. Bitch.

Soapbox- On Breastfeeding and why I'm NOT a militant Lactivist. But then kind of am.

If it's possible for a La Leche League meeting to get raucous, last night's was. All kinds of keeeeerazy lactating women and offspring laughing hysterically after one woman told a story about how their male OB/GYN was totally fine delivering a baby out of her hoo-hah, but got all embarrassed and uncomfortable when he walked in on the new momma and baby pair learning to breastfeed. "I mean," she said, "he'd just spent hours being face to face with my vagin@!" Cackling laughter ensued and we're really lucky that it didn't go downhill from that. Much.

So I may have mentioned that I have decided to work towards accreditation as a LLL leader. I should also mention that I am NOT a militant-lactivist-crazy -WHATEVER preconceived notion people may or may not have about LLL members (granted, sometimes these impressions are sadly deserved.) Rather, I simply come from a place where breastfeeding my kid is one of the coolest things I have ever done. And I'm really proud of my accomplishment of nursing him and working full time. And I want to help other Mommas do the same if they are so inclined. And I find this shit interesting.

Granted, I do believe that if more women (especially in my part of the country) really took the time to do the research and talk to people like myself, they might incline towards breastfeeding more. There seems to be a general assumption (among the women I know) that breastfeeding is 1)difficult 2) inconvenient and 3) even distasteful, somehow.

Now everyone is entitled to their own opinion but I just want to share my own experience in that breastfeeding was a challenge in the beginning. I won't deny that. There was a definite learning curve for both me and the kiddo. We were both new at this! But as the days turned into weeks and we got to know each other, something happened. It got easy. Real easy. Ridiculously easy. And convenient.

Picture this: your -let's say- 4 month old is hungry. Wailing and flailing and threatening-to-spontaneously-combust hungry. You can either :

a) put said kid down, walk to kitchen, get bottle out of cupboard, mix formula and water in bottle, shake, pick kid back up and stick bottle in his mouth

or

b) lift up your shirt.

Yeah.

And this 'lift up your shirt' thing works (practically) ANYWHERE. ANYTIME. The milk is always there. The perfect temperature. It costs NO MONEY. Get my drift?

I will grant you, however, that working full-time and breastfeeding is a whole different animal. Pumping kind of sucks. But, for me personally, it was a commitment I was willing to make because I really wanted my baby to have breast milk. And, honestly? After a while I kind of looked forward to my pumping sessions. I'd download a podcast and have 15 minutes to myself twice a day. I can think of worse things. And once it all became routine, it was just that...our routine. We got used to it. And the last time I pumped at work it was actually a little bittersweet. Those moments had turned into not only a break for me, but a way of feeling connected to my baby - I was doing something for him that NO ONE ELSE could do. And even though we didn't get to be together during the day, I was still taking care of him by making sure he had the best possible food to eat.


The distasteful argument is harder to combat, of course. Our culture is a little effed up when it comes to the sexualization of women and the function that those fun bags were actually designed for. The only way to rebut this argument, other than working to make breastfeeding a more publicly acceptable activity, I think is to cite the benefits of nursing to both baby and momma, pass the woman a hooter-hider and hope for the best.


I, of course realize that there are instances where breastfeeding is not possible for whatever reason. And I respect that. I am not at all about making mommas feel guilty. There is already WAY TOO MUCH in parenting that will make you feel guilty. Formula is not the devil. I'm just interested in being there for people that want to breastfeed as much as I did but need a little extra support. LLL has been an awesome source of support for me and I want to give some of that back to others.

But then, I read an article like this: http://www.usatoday.com/news/health/2009-04-03-baby-formula-chemical_N.htm and wonder if those militant lactivists have a place out there too.

Stop Wastin' My Time

Last week, I had an appointment at the eye doctor. We laughed, I read charts with startling accuracy, we chatted, we got through an exam with no air puffs (so GLAD they don't do that!) We discussed trying new contacts that might be more comfortable. (And they are! Yay!) We held hands. (Well, almost.)

Most importantly, we discussed dialating my eyes and came to the conclusion that because I AM BREASTFEEDING, this would not be possible. Oh darn.

Then. The eye doctor gets that flirty twinkle in his optical cavities and convinces me to participate in a clinical trial. Only one visit! he promises, We'll pay you! All you have to do is fill out a questionairre about wearing contacts and BAM! $30 is yours!

So I reluctantly agree.

Flash forward to today- my appointment for the trial. I ride my bike all the way up there (maybe 1.5 miles so, you know, not THAT far but far enough), wait in the waiting room (all the while taking TIME OFF OF WORK) only to discover that I am ineligable to participate because I AM BREASTFEEDING. Which, as has been established, the doctor knew.

Grrr. Here, I'll let Spinal Tap say it for me:

The Plan...aka Light at the End of the Tubing

As you may well remember, I have been a lactating, breastfeeding, pumping FOOL since little Mr. O graced us with his presence. And honestly? I've been happy to do it. Sure it's been challenging (understatement: please reference the first TWO WEEKS of mighty sore nipples, the engorgement, and the frequent plugged ducts. The latter of which have only recently vacated my life. Knock on wood. Oh, and the sleepless nights, leaking, and feeling not just a little bit like a milk cow) but. BUT it has also been rewarding (for this, please kindly reference the increased attachment to my baby, yummy "well-being" hormones, decreased risk of breast cancer, providing nature's perfect food for baby, increased I.Q. points (for him, not me. As you all know, I have been suffering from "momnesia") ) and for that I am glad I stuck with it.

Little Mr. O's 1st birthday is rapidly approaching, however, and I've been thinking, nay DREAMING about the day I get to stop pumping at work. I don't want to totally wean quite yet...I'm fine with the early morning nursing, the evening nursing, yes and even middle-of-the-night nursing for a while longer- its just that I'd like to say HASTA LA VISTA, BABY to my GD PUMP during daylight hours.

So here's my plan: Once Otto is 1, I'll assess how he's doing on eating solids (hopefully he'll be just a bit more gung-ho than he is at present) and try him out on some organic cow milk. See how that goes. If all's well, I'll start cutting out one workday pumping session at a time. (If all is not well, then we'll explore our options. )

Right now, I pump once in the morning, bike to daycare and nurse him at noon, then pump once in the afternoon. I figure I'll cut out the morning session first, then the afternoon session, saving the noon-time nursing for last. We both enjoy seeing each other in the middle of the day and while saying "Bye" twice a day (or as little O says, "Die-Die" while clenching and un-clenching his fist) is not too traumatic for him, I think it would be good to save this feeding for the last one to go.

So that's my plan. Whether or not it turns out to be actually feasible, it feels good to have it in place. (Yes, I am a teensy bit Type A...)