Tuesday, September 8, 2009

They should try this as an Enhanced Interrogation Technique. Seriously.

Breaking news:

I had surgery on my left leg for varicose veins. I KNOW, RIGHT!?!!? I am TRULY an 80 year old woman in a 32 (gulp) year old body. Want the deets? Of COURSE you do. (Stop reading if you are easily disgusted, have a weak stomach or are generally a pansy.)

I went in last Thursday to have a "procedure" done that I have been agonizing about for the last month. My argument with myself went something like this: "Do I? Don't I?..... Yes my veins cause me daily pain, yes I've had blood clots in them...and yeah, they are super ugly and make me feel like an old lady...But... Even though I've met my deductible, it will be expensive as shit..... and not to mention the greater question of the PAIN?!?!"

Needless to say, the vain (haha! I am so funny) part of me and the part that was tired of the first step out of bed every morning hurting like a mothereffer won out. The doctor's office, so bright and clean and shiny and billed as a 'medical spa' lured me in with their promises of 'minimally invasive' and 'very cosmetic results' and boy I was a sucker. I was told that most people just relax and "go to sleep" during the "procedure." THESE WERE THEIR EXACT WORDS.

The thing was outpatient, and done under local anesthetic. WHY this is, I have no farking idea because I was about to embark upon one of, if not THE most awful medical/bodily experience of my life and this is coming from a person who had an ENTIRE HUMAN BABY WITH (ALMOST) NO PAIN MEDS OF ANY KIND. AND many tattoos. Let me tell you- varicose vein surgery is worse.

It started innocently enough- they gave me an Rx for a Xan@x and some cream to numb up my leg (only the upper thigh and in retrospect, it didn't really seem to work. Like, at all.) No problem. Makes sense. This, however, lured me into a false sense of calm and well being that flew out the window once the NUMEROUS injections to supposedly numb my leg began. I'm talking many, many injections. Each one hurt like hell. And the whole time, I am basically blindfolded because they are using a laser on my thigh so I have no earthly idea what the fuck is going on because I can't see for shit and all I hear is the FASCINATING discussion of what dog foods are best for freaking Portuguese water dogs and they are going on as if I'm not even in the room wondering what the HELL THEY ARE DOING TO MY LEG!

Then the tugging began. As in they were literally cutting my leg open and tugging the vein out. They did this in about 12 different spots up and down my leg. It was disgusting and horrible and I am Never. Doing. That. Again. The only thing that got me through with any shred of sanity still intact was that I had the presence of mind to bring my Zune along and had KaiserCartel cranked after I realized that they weren't going to tell me what was going on.

And now, I'm left with a poor, bruised, cut up appendage that Dr. Frankenstein would be quite proud of and instructions to wear compression stockings for two weeks and not do anything that will break a sweat a solid inner conviction that freedom from varicose veins cannot POSSIBLY be worth what I just put myself through.

I think the lesson here is, to paraphrase a favorite film: Beauty is PAIN. Anyone who says differently is selling something. Like stupid varicose vein surgery.

The end.

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Oh, and President Obama gave a speech for schoolkids and the world did NOT come to a screeching, zombie-ridden halt? WHAT ARE THE ODDS?!?!?!

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