Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Endings and Beginnings

Change is all around me now...and not the shiny, silver, clunky kind.  I'm talking massive, sweeping changes in areas of my life.  Or at least that's how it feels.

The first big change: I do believe my son is weaned.  And let me tell you, now that I've been through child-led weaning from beginning to end, it is a beautiful, amazing thing to watch.  It's been so gradual that it hasn't been traumatic or sudden for either of us, rather just a gentle progression from "baby" to "kid."   We went from multiple nursings a day when he was a baby (obviously) to fewer and fewer as he got older. And then more recently, to just a couple times a day.  Then it was only once at bedtime and if he hurt himself or got super upset.  And then only at upsets.  And now...nothing.    At bedtime we now "snuggle."  At upsets, we rock and talk and hug and listen.  He no longer asks for "milk."

Of course he still needs me.  Of course he does!  But he doesn't need to breastfeed.  And he made that decision for himself.  Which is totally awesome.  If I ever had it to do over, I would do it this way again in a heartbeat. 

But!  I won't pretend that it hasn't been a little emotional for me to realize that this marks the end of a really special time in my relationship with my son.  I know there is a lot to look forward to and more awesomeness to come but I've allowed myself to mourn just a tad the unique relationship that exists between mother and nursling.  I'm sure dropping prolactin levels also have something to do with a little bit of melancholy. 

*     *     *      *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *

The second big change, is in my worklife.  And while I don't want to go into too much detail here for obvious reasons, suffice to say that upheaval has been ubiquitous between having a new position, a new supervisor (who doesn't start for another 6 weeks or so) and all that comes with that.  They have also been sending me to some trainings that require overnights away from home.

This last week was the first such training and the first time ever since he's been on the planet, I slept apart from my kid.  It was weird.  But I'd being lying if I claimed not to have slept like I was dead.  The Husband, however, wasn't so lucky as he is used to Otto snuggling me at night and not him. 

There's another training scheduled next month that requires 2 nights away.  Eeek.  I know everything will be fine and that almost might be the problem.  Aren't they LOST without me?  How do they function when Mama's not home for TWO WHOLE DAYS?!?!?  Heh. 

These changes are good and I know that.  I'm fulfilled and challenged in my work in a way that I haven't been in a long time.  I have an employer who wants to invest in my career development and who sees potential in me.  That is awesome.  But there's a tiny part of me that feels sad that I'm no longer necessary for Otto's daily/nightly sustenance. 

I keep telling myself that of COURSE he still needs me.  A lot. (See above.)  And he gets a lot of me.  We still co-sleep and my evenings and weekends are spent with him.  But its a time of transition and that usually means some new feelings, some reevaluating, and allowing yourself to mourn the loss of what was even while looking forward to what comes next. 

No comments: