Tuesday, August 4, 2009


...and I have yet to watch any of it. My days have recently been stuffed with parties and YES I know there are worse problems to have but OMG when you have 3 days in a row of parties when you are used to maybe 1 every 6 months it is EXHAUSTING.

This morning I had the audacity to attempt a work out and my body was all "OH REALLY, BITCH? CRUNCHES? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? I thought drinking beer and eating cake was the new workout...? NO? WELL FUCK YOU!!!" And I was all "OH NO YOU DIDN'T! DROP AND GIVE ME 20 YOU CAKE EATING WHORE!" True story.

Two of the party nights were totally awesome, a going away party I co-hosted and then my husband's birthday party the next day. Fun fun fun. A copious amount of alcohol was drunk and there was plenty of food and cake to go around. Good music prevailed and the summer night air felt awesome.

Sunday, however, was a COMPLETELY different story.

The husband's cousin got married and OMFG it was the WORST wedding I have EVER been to. Seriously. Horrible. The ceremony was at 4pm. It was over by 4:15pm. The reception was at 6pm in the same room in which they'd had the ceremony. Therefore, they expected everyone to "socialize" in the hotel lobby for AN HOUR AND 45 MINUTES with no refreshments or seating. The poor little grandmas were feeling it. Hell, I was feeling it.

When we finally got into the reception to sit the fuck down, we were treated to the most obnoxious DJ in the known universe and some fantastic nursing home food. Think mashed potatoes, over cooked meat, white rolls and iceberg lettuce. Oh and make-out sessions between the bride and groom every 3 minutes. While we were eating. Barf. Not at all feeling guilty for leaving early.

The sad part is that these people (or their parents- I think the bride and groom were 21 and 20, respectively) probably dropped an enormous wad of cash for what was easily the shittiest Sunday afternoon I've spent in a long time. I'm wishing them happiness and all that but good lord people. Have a little freaking dignity. Classy does NOT have to be expensive. I'm no wedding expert, but I do know that there are plenty of websites/magazines/books with lots of information on throwing a great shindig on a tight budget.

Could be that I am just a snob and maybe this was their perfect, ideal, dream wedding complete with the slutty garter toss and dollar dance and drunk bridesmaids writhing around and screaming along to "Baby Got Back." But please kill me if I ever have to sit through anything like that again.

I'd rather get eaten alive by a shark

Which reminds me...where's the remote?

*** Of course, I'm totally kidding about rather getting eaten by a shark. Shark attacks are very serious things and I in no way mean to take them lightly. Really. I'd rather shoot myself in the face with a nail gun.****

****Nail guns are also very serious. I am in no way taking victims of nail guns' lives lightly. I'd rather get run over by a very large semi-truck carrying a huge shipment of dildos. Really.

1 comment:

Jasie VanGesen said...

That really does sound like the shittiest wedding on earth. I feel bad you had to endure that. I feel even worse that your account of it amused me so.