**Warning: If you shy away from talk of lady parts, monthly cycles or anything related, DO NOT READ FURTHER. Go check out Huff post or dick around on Twitter instead. You've been warned.**
So...my kid is 19 months old and I JUST NOW got my first period since he was born. And, wonderful Auntie Flo that I (did not) miss so much is totally KICKING MY ASS. And really? I'm a little hurt. We used to be, if not bosom buddies, at least something akin to friendly work associates- in the same boat together so might as well make the most of it. Now? She's apparently out to make my life a living hell, perhaps in retaliation for being held off so long by breastfeeding.
I've been wondering wtf is wrong with me for about a week now- last Sunday night I literally felt myself spiral down into a hog wallow of depression so fast I had emotional whiplash. By Monday, I was seriously considering putting a cease and desist on all personal hygiene and spending the rest of my days eating microwave popcorn and watching TLC. By Tuesday, I was convinced that my husband was really an assassin who's sole mission in life was to irritate me to death. On Wednesday I was entertaining thoughts of self-mutilation. (I'm only half-kidding).
And then yesterday? There she was. A rose that by any other name would be called a complete fucking pain in my ass. But at least it explained the depression, the moodiness, the bloating and oily skin and murderous rage coupled with apathetic despair I'd been feeling for 4 days.
I know that I'm lucky, by comparison. Lots of mama's get their monthly visitor much sooner after giving birth- even with exclusive breastfeeding. I think I was just so used to not seeing that little red stain that I was blindsided when it appeared, 2.5 years after the last time we saw each other. But it explains a lot and I wonder if my PMS symptoms have been a little magnified because she's been gone so long? Because I've really been feeling like I was hit by an emotional Mack truck the last few days and I don't remember feeling quite like that ever before. Hopefully my hormones will even out as my cycles establish some regularity again. One can only hope.
Man, I've been out of the loop. Welcome back, Auntie Flo. Bitch.