Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Calm as a Cucumber. On Speed.

The insurance company my employer contacts with really likes to pretend that they are very interested in our health and well-being. (Or maybe its genuine?...Hahaha! That's a great one!) Its quite humorous, really, how they dupe us into taking online 'health risk assessments' and send us friendly little post-cards with titles like "IT'S COLONOSCOPY TIME!! and "WHEN WAS YOUR LAST MAMMOGRAM? YOU'RE BOOBS WANT TO KNOW!!!" (Ok, I made that last one up. But you get the message.)

Anyway, said company are running this program where if you go online and take one of these so-called 'health assessment questionnaires' they will send you $50. They did the same thing 2 years ago and it was pretty harmless. And that $50 check was sweet. So the other day, I cleared 15 minutes and went out and entered my height, weight, drinking habits, etc. to get my free money, bitch!

Yesterday they called me ("This call may be recorded for quality assurance purposes!") to invite me to participate in an exciting new program to help manage stress.

You see, they figured I needed this program based on my answers to the online health risk assessment I completed recently. The results show that I am at moderate to severe risk of stress. (YOU DON'T SAY!) Was I interested, the velvet voiced woman asked, in having 24 hour access to a nursing help line, doing small assignments and talking with a stress management adviser over the phone periodically?

"NO!," I graciously bellowed. "That just sounds stressful! I don't need any more time constraints on my life!"

Those health risk assessments are OBVIOUSLY crap. Heh.

1 comment:

VoofaVoofa said...

Big brother also pays attention to what you buy at the grocery store, thanks to that little card you swipe every time you go through. You know, the "Super Saver" card or whatever they call it.

Careful. Soon Big Brother grocery store will be sharing its "This girl buys 24 cans of Busch and 2 bottles of Crown a week - plus a carton of cigs!" info with the health insurance company ...