Keepin' Her Off the Pole

I will be 20 weeks tomorrow. Eeep! Time flies and all that. The big ultrasound is a week from today. I'm excited and nervous all at once. And, it will be interesting if we get to find out the sex because really, I have no bloody idea. People keep asking me, as though I will have some fabulous maternal intuition as to what this kid is and I got nuthin'. I did have a dream last night that it was a girl but I have a suspicion that means pretty much bupkis. As far as which one I'm hoping for, I can think of good things about either sex really- and the thought of raising either one is quite intimidating: They both have different, but important issues.

For example, I do not agree with Chris Rock (as funny as it is) that your only duty is to keep girls off the pole. (Giggle). While that is important (snicker), there's puberty, which lets face it, sucks for everyone, but girls have a special gift that lasts until menopause. There's body image and our cultural obsession with being thin, blonde, etc. Then there's sexism- both in the workplace and beyond. I worry about being able to teach a girl to transcend this stuff and truly think for herself and pave her own way in the world- to not expect everything to end like a Disney movie- marriage/kids/whatever is not always the happy ending. I worry about teaching her to know in her heart that she is just as good as everyone else and it doesn't matter whether she is tall or short or blonde or redheaded or heavy or thin. What matters is how she sees herself. As someone who has struggled with this stuff in my life, I think I appreciate the challenge, especially when the media, peers, even family and friends are throwing contradictory stuff your way. Whew. I get tired just thinking about it.

On the other hand, boys have issues too. While women deal with the cultural pressure to be thin/not take up much space and deal with sexism, men face special challenges from the expectations of masculinity...as much as we have grown as a culture, there's still alot of pressure to be stoic, strong, reserved and generally "male." There's also the whole "violence" issue- I think all little kids deal with this, but it seems to be especially important for boys since they are encouraged in our culture to act out aggressively, whether is it playing with 'army men' or pretend weapons instead of dolls, playing football, or being 'ballsy' businessmen.

I know I'm probably overthinking all of this. And that I will just take it as it comes and do my best to raise good, self-confident kids. But this is what I do- I analyze crap until I feel like my brain might explode.

Whadda Week

Friday already? How did that happen? While during the first trimester, time seemed to creep by at an alarmingly slow rate, suddenly it is litereally FLYING...I'm 19w3d...that is insane to me. With the tell-all ultrasound a little over a week away, I feel like I just need to STOP. and enjoy where I'm at right at this moment. Not knowing the sex... Not knowing if the little alien has 2 heads...well, you get the idea. AND its the weekend again. Huzzah!

My awe at the pending weekend and swift passage of time notwithstanding, on to other musings:

The old Husband and I have been making an effort to have one 'date night' a week. Most weeks, we have dinner somewhere and then wonder around the local megamart. I know. The romance of it all is almost painful. This week, however, we were a little short on dough and opted to stay in. It was so. much. fun. The H downloaded some episodes of this show (one of my faves) and we watched probably 7 or 8 of them in a row while eating a home cooked meal. I haven't laughed that much in ages. We had such a good time, in fact, that I feel no guilt missing his rock show tonight...Its in Denver, which means several hours in the car and getting home around 5am and I'm just not up to it. So I'll stay home and paint my toenails and play Guitar Hero. Or have a wild night with girlfriends. The possibilities are endless, really ;-).

Holy Crap!

So I began researching daycares today. And....Wow. I'm sure this comes as no suprise to the vetran parents out there, but They are Insanely Expensive. I could rent my kid their own house for the price of full-time daycare. Honestly. Not that I don't think quality daycare is worth it. But Damn. Makes me so wish that I could just stay home.

Unfortunately, this is impossible. We would not be able to pay our current bills on one income, nevermind the expenses of a child. We need both our paychecks. This is the sad truth. Also, and I know it is difficult to say for sure, as good as staying home sounds, I sort of suspect that it would drive me insane. I was a live-in nanny for 2 years and I know how the days go with nothing but baby talk and bad daytime TV. And everyone says that its different with your own kid, and this is probably true, but I just have the sneaking suspicion that I would love it for a while and then just feel trapped. And so, I am embarking upon this journey into daycare hell from which I may never return. Or it feels that way right now.

So far, there are 4 possibilities as far as daycare centers go- all have extensive waiting lists. Joy. We need to go tour and then get our names down if we think we would actually want our kids to go there. Also, I have an email out to the woman who wrangles all the in-home daycare providers. She has promised to research those that may have openings around when I am due. So maybe we'll get lucky.

But what happens if my maternity leave ends and we still HAVE NO ONE? These are the things that worry me. Even though we realistically have 5 more months of pregnancy to go, I am sort of kicking myself for not starting sooner.

Yipee! It finally, kinda, sorta looks like it maybe just might be spring. Yay! The weather has been bothering me so much (not that I haven't been bitching about it constantly) but you know...its nice to see the sunshine. And some green grass for a change. I hope it sticks around- tomorrow is the annual Aids Benefit Walk and it would be nice not to be wearing a hat and gloves and snowboots and the like...

Work is also a pain in the rear lately, so I'm glad its Friday. TGIF Muthas! Tomorrow, as I mentioned, is the Aids Walk followed by the Drag Queen Bingo fundraiser that evening. I went to this last year and it was an absolute Hoot. Am so looking forward to being out with my friends for a good cause. Sunday will be relax/catch-up day and I'm sure I'll spend most of the day doing chores in my pajamas. My favorite way to spend a Sunday, don'tcha know.

Stupid Meatheads.

So. This INCREDIBLY AWFUL decision by the CONSERVATIVE, ALMOST TOTALLY MALE supreme court has me completely irate.

Go over and read Cecily's blog . She says it way more elequently than I ever could. And while I have no wish to preach about my own views regarding a woman's right to choose (that's not really what this blog was created for), I had to say something.

Because I'm just that mad.

Just Blabbing.

I was going to post something about the horrible tragedy at the school in Virginia, but then Pam over at Musings of a Working Mom said what I was thinking better than I could. One can't help but wonder if the shooter hadn't had access to such a weapon if so many would be dead now.

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Weekend-wise, it was a good one. I was able to drive down to Denver for a dinner-date with my Papa on Saturday night. And of course he did some very Dad-like things such as:
-insist on paying for dinner
-insist on buying me a book I've been wanting and a tube of my favorite lotion
-lecture me on how my tires are low and I really need to take better care of my car.

After dinner, I spent the night with a good friend and then drove home on Sunday.

And, (*looks around guiltily*) I took Monday off. As a mental health day. I am just feeling a little burnt out at the moment and it helped to have an extra day to myself. I slept in, did an hour and a half of prenatal yoga, caught up on some reading and did some baking (blueberry muffins and brownies...yum!) So it was a good day. Except for all that crap in the news.

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On the pregnancy front, I've been feeling more movement lately. I am 18weeks today. The movement still kind of freaks me out. (Don't laugh) But its just so weird to think of something alive and moving independently inside me. Guess you can tell I'm a first-timer, huh? Looking ahead to the ultrasound on May 7...by that time, I'll already be over halfway done!

I've been having secret fun starting registries for us on line. Its still early so really they are just lists that I'm using to help me keep track of products I've read reviews on, had recommended, etc. until we can check them out in person. But it has been fun making lists and thinking about all the stuff one little person needs. And slightly daunting. I'm trying to keep things as minimalist as possible (I can hear your skeptical laughter from here). Alot of it just seems like so much fluff, if you ask me. But its fun looking at onesies and carseats and imagining some little person occupying them at some point. Some little person made partly up of me.

I'm equally excited and scared shitless for the moment that happens.

Boo Cancer

I don't know Snickollet in any way other than from reading her blog but I'm so sad for her today. She just lost her beloved husband to a horribly malicious form of cancer (to be fair, this could be said for all forms of cancer but pancreatic just seems extremely awful).

Certainly puts things in perspective. Here I have been complaining about the weather.

Its Hump Day- Time to Ramble

Here's what I've been thinking about in no particular order. ('Cause you're dying to know, don't deny it...)

1. TV-
I used to be an avid fan of American Idol. And strangely enough, I am not ashamed to admit this. As far as reality TV goes, I thought it was rather refreshing- no backstabbing, one group ganging up on another group, drunken binges, etc...just singing and the occasional barb from Simon. Anyway, I thought it was fun.

Now, however, its a different story. In my opinion, the show has just flat out worn out its welcome. Its gotten old. I tried to watch it last night (for maybe the second or third time this season) and just BLah. Its boring. No one shines, no one sparkles, and and judges are running out of things to say to people. So I switched channels over to Discovery and watched Deadliest Catch...

...And THAT"S what I'm talking about, y'all. This is reality TV as it should be: Chances of death and/or dismemberment? Check. Grumpy captains captaining grumpy crew members? Check. Icy ocean, long work hours and internal politics? Check. Not to mention all the cute little crabs destined to be some rich person's dinner. Awesome.

2. Books-
I have always been a reader and being pregnant seems to have added a whole new dimension to this addiction. I want to know everything anyone has ever written about pregnancy, childbirth, babies...you name it. While I know that omniscience is a (slightly) unrealistic goal, I'll settle for being educated. So far, I'm reading: Your Pregnancy Week by Week, The Birth Book by the Sears' and the 5th Harry Potter book. (Which, I know, is not pregnancy related but you know- the last book comes out this summer and I want to be caught up!)
On deck: The Breastfeeding Book and The Baby Book also by Sears et al.

As if this weren't enough, my dear, dear friend from KS sent me a box full of childbirth related literature this week- with some books dating back to the 70's that I can't wait to sink my teeth in to and some cool looking mama-centric zines. Yay!

3. Weather
Yes, yes, I know. My last few posts have been nothing but weather this and weather that but seriously people! Its starting to piss me off. I am sick of snow, cold, wind, frost, ice and all that stupid winter crap! That stuff is fine in December but it is April now and should begin acting as such. Bah.

Ok. I guess that's it for the rambling ranting right now. You had no idea my mind was occupied with such vital and important things, did you?

Quite Possibly the Rudest Thing EVER

Seriously. Here's a story for ya:

Since I am 'with child,' as they say, I have needed little snacks here and there to keep me going throughout the day. They are generally a piece of fruit, a granola bar, or something of that nature. One of my faves lately has been Special K bars. They are super tasty, supposedly a good source of calcium and only 90 calories. Yesterday, I'm happily munching on the 'Chocolate Drizzle' variety when a co-worker with a rat-tail sees me.*

"I see you eating that candy bar, " she says, rat-tail swinging. "You need to be eating healthy."

(!!!!!)

"Yeah, well, " I say, "I always get the munchies after smoking a huge bowl of weed."

Actually, I think what I said was something along the lines of "Uh....its a Special K bar." Or something. I was kind of blinded by rage. But the weed thing would have been better.

The things we think of after the fact.

*For the record, I think I have maybe spoken to this person twice before in my whole life. And the rat-tail is not very relevant except to say Ewwww.

The Galloping Fetus

First the answer to the question that I'm sure is on everyone's mind (that is, it would be if anyone actually knew this blog existed- ha): The appointment with the midwife went just fine, thanks. She was very nice and not at all scary or wart covered.* We heard a heartbeat (only the 2nd time I've heard it- sounds like a little horse galloping), and talked about weight gain (I've gained 2 lbs since my 11w appointment- am 16w now). We also chatted briefly about Dr. Sears books (which I have been reading) and she wholeheartedly recommended them. Yay!

I declined the triple/quad screen which I hope was the right decision. My reasoning was this: #1 - I am under 35, #2- there is no history of any problems in my family or the husband's #3- the test has a high instance of false positives and #4- it costs money. The MW supported me in this decision, which I really appreciated. I got the distinct impression that an OBGYN may have pushed the issue.

Next appointment is the 20 weeker where it just might be possible to see the sex. Yikes. Have to see a male OBGYN for that one as they are the only ones in the practice who perform this particular service. Trying not to be nervous about this. (I know, I am a nut-case. No need to remind me thanks.) Apparently, if we bring a blank DVD, they will make a copy for us. It will be weird, I think to assign a gender to this little creature I'm carrying around...not knowing is kind of fun. But the husband really wants to know and as this is happening to him too, I figured I'd indulge him. And there's no way he gets to know something that I don't and that's all there is to it.

*This was an actual fear I had.**

**Just kidding. But I was nervous that I wouldn't like her or something.

In the Most Delightful Way

Midwife appointment today. In 10 minutes, in fact. Am a bit nervous, to tell the truth. Why, I am not really sure, exept to say that Dr's offices and the like always tend to make me nervous. Hopefully she will just proclaim that I am practially perfect in every way a'la Mary Poppins and send me on my merry way.