Nervous

*Warning: This post is me freaking out*

I know its probably kind of silly, but I'm nervous about my first doctor's appointment, which is this friday. "Pelvic" exams always give me the heebee-jeebees but this is taking it to a whole new level. I'm the kind of woman that drags herself into family planning the day her birth control Rx runs out and gets an uber quick pap just to get her fix. I alway put it off to the last possible second and get nervous and sweaty even though its the same NP I've seen every year. Granted, I have some weird stuff in my past involving a (male) pediatrician and an "exam" when I was 8 years old (8!) but you'd think I'd be over it by now.

I also find myself feeling really anxious about hearing the baby's heartbeat and doing an ultrasound. What if everything's not ok? What if there is no heartbeat? I know these are terrible thoughts to have but I can't help it. Its like I'm trying to steel myself against bad news. Like if I obsess about it, I won't be so shocked when the Dr. shakes her head and says "I'm sorry." I'm sure I'm not the only woman to have these thoughts but they are nerve racking just the same.

Third, I am also worried about liking this doctor's office. We live in such a small town, that there is ONE place for prenatal care. And that's it. There are no midwives or doulas- just OB GYNs. And just one practice in town that works with the one hospital in town. So I'm worried about feeling comfortable there or feeling trapped. Our only other option would be a town that is an hour away...which might be ok since I will be due in Sept (usually before the snow comes) but I'm not sure we could afford the gas and out of state insurance prices.

Sigh. Maybe, at the end of my pregnancy, I'll look back at this and laugh saying, "how stupid was that?!...I've now had my cooch probed more times than I can count and its a fucking breeze! I love my doctor and everything is peachy!" But right now, it seems real and scary. I hope Friday goes well...