12 months of me!

Yes- I really AM this bored. We are in the middle of a big snowstorm. The power went out at work and knocked out the server...power's back on but our network is jacked so we can't to any work!
♥JANUARY♥
1. Who kissed you on New Years? The husband and my friend Anna (that one was on the cheek ;-)
2. Did you have a New Year’s Resolution this year? nah...I never do that.
3. Does it snow where you live? And HOW
4. Do you like hot chocolate? Absotively. Especially with a little Bailey's.
5. Have you ever been to Times Square to watch the ball drop? Nope- I've only been to NYC once and I spent most of my time in Brooklyn.

♥FEBRUARY♥
1. Who was your Valentine? The Husband
2. When you were little did you buy Valentine’s for the whole class? Yes... and we made the little shoebox mailboxes to put them in.
3. Do you care if the groundhog sees its shadow or not? not really. We have winter until April no matter what.
4. What did you receive for Valentines Day? We don't really do Valentines day
5. What did you give for Valentine’s Day? see above.

♥MARCH♥
1. Are you Irish? Scottish
2.Do you like corned beef and cabbage? I've only had it once...it was ok.
3. What did you do for St. Patty’s Day in 2007? Nuthin'- I was pregnant so no green beer for me.
4. Are you happy when winter is pretty much over? Yes, I'm always ready to be warm!

♥APRIL♥1
. Do you like the rain? yes
2. Did you play an April fool’s joke on anyone this year?no- I hate that crap. I know, I'm no fun.
4. Do you celebrate 4/20? heh, no.
5. Do you love the month of April? eh- its ok. Its better than March.

♥MAY♥
1. What is your favorite flower? daisies
What happened to 2 ????? Ugh.
3. Finish the phrase “April showers…”are better than april blizzards
4. Do you celebrate May 16th: um...I don't know why that day would be significant...
5. Is May anything special to you? Nope.

♥JUNE♥
1. What year did/will you graduate from high school? 1996. God, I'm old.
2. Did you do anything fun during this Month? Got married in 2000!
3. Have a favorite baseball team? Nope- not much of a sports fan.

♥JULY♥
1. What did you do on the 4th of July? Not a whole lot- the husband was on tour with his band and I was all pregnant. I think I hung out in the basement, drank ice water and watched girl movies...
2. Did you go to the fireworks? not this year...I'm pretty sure I passed out before it was time for them.
3. Did you blast the A/C all day? No one in Wyoming as A/C. Well..maybe that's not quite true, but no one I know does.

♥AUGUST♥
1. Did you do anything special at the end of your summer? Just tried to get through it and the end of my pregnancy! Oh, yeah and I had my 30th birthday, which is always uplifting.
2. What was your favorite summer memory of ‘07? Our baby shower/BBQ that we had in July.
3. Did you have a sunburn? I dont' think I burned much this summer
4. Did you go to the pool a lot? not once, although it would have felt awesome.

♥SEPTEMBER♥
1. Will you be attending college/school? nope. But I work at a university, if that counts.
2. Do you like fall better than summer? Sort of.
3. Plan on anything to happen this month? My son was born!!

♥OCTOBER♥
1. What was your last Halloween costume? oh wow...I haven't dressed up in ages. The last one I can think of was the slutty version of Sandy from Grease.
2. What is your favorite candy? Good chocolate and black licorice. Not together, though :-)
3. What was your favorite thing(s) about this month? Having a new baby!! Otto was Yoda for halloween- it was so cute.

♥NOVEMBER♥
1. Whose house do you go to for Thanksgiving? The husband's aunt's house.
2. What are you thankful for? family, friends, the husband and my kid.
3. Do you love stuffing? no, but I do love dressing. Southern cornbread dressing is the best.

♥DECEMBER♥
1. Do you celebrate Christmas? Sort of. We celebrate the season and have a tree but we are not christian.
2. Have you ever been kissed under the mistle toe? yes!!!
3. Get anything special last year? Otto was conceived on 12/25...is that TMI? Sorry!
4. What do you want this year? To have a good time with our family! And some money for clothes because honestly, hardly anything fits me right now.

Bah Humbug

So not loving this being back to work thing. Aside from being extremely tired, I am fighting a plugged milk duct (ouch) and a down-in-the-dumps hubby. Well, I guess I'm not really fighting the hubby but he's home with Otto this week and struggling a bit. Otto won't really nap for him which sucks. I think that the transition is maybe stressing the baby out a bit. A bottle just doesn't offer the same thing a boob does in terms of closeness, comfort, skin-to-skin contact and all that jazz. I wonder what he'll do in day care...

All this distraction means that I'm not really feeling the whole holiday thing at the moment. Yes, I know my last post was all about xmas whatever but today I'm just over it. I find myself wishing that instead of travelling 3+ hours to Bob's folk's house for xmas we could just stay home and take turns napping.

Am I a scrooge or what?

Xmas Hoopla

So, Megan didn't tag me persay, but I'm playing anyway because I'm bored at work and trying not to think about how much I miss my baby. Sniff.

Random Christmas Hoopla:
1. I love love love Xmas trees. The bigger, brighter and gaudier, the better.
2. The same goes for Xmas lights- while our house usually has just a few tasteful white twinklies, I secretly love the people who 'go all out.'
3. Even though I am no longer catholic, I cherish my memories of going to midnight mass with my family...there's something neat about singing carols in a church at midnight on Xmas with candles and incense.
4. My favorite Xmas movie is Christmas Story, closely followed by Christmas Vacation and Bad Santa.
5. My favorite Xmas special from childhood is Charlie Brown's Xmas.
6. This is the first year I have not crafted any gifts for anyone. (Unless you count having a baby, which I think his grandparents might...)
7. I am not a fan of fudge. Which is weird because I love chocolate. But its a texture thing. (I also cannot stand cheesecake, for much the same reason.)
8. The idea of Santa kind of creeps me out.
9. Each year of our marriage, Bob and I have made Eggnog French Toast and Mimosas for breakfast on Xmas morning.
10. We always give gifts to our pets. I know. DORKS.
11. My grandpa always gives me $100 for xmas, and I alway blow it on something totally unecessary.
12. Xmas cookies are the shiznit.

The Random Christmas Hoopla!Here goes:
1. List 12 random things about yourself that have to do with Christmas
2. Please refer to it as a 'hoopla' and not the dreaded 'm'-word (which, for you bloggy newbies, is meme)
3. You have to specifically tag people when you're done. None of this "if you're reading this, consider yourself tagged" stuff is allowed...then nobody ends up actually doing it. The number of people who you tag is really up to you -- but the more, the merrier to get this 'hoopla' circulating through the blogosphere.
4. Please try and do it as quickly as possible. The Christmas season will be over before we know it and I'd like to get as many people involved as possible.

I don't really have anyone to tag so I guess I'm breaking the rules there. But if you read this and wanna do it, do it.

So Far, So Good...

First day back at work. It is now 2pm and I've been here since 8am. So far, I'm doing alright. I've pumped twice without incident and I don't feel too heartsick. Last night, however, was another story entirely...I held and rocked Otto and bawled my eyes out for about 20 minutes and was a bitchy wreck the rest of the evening.

I actually get to leave in 10 minutes because the Husband has a meeting to go to. Which is good because I'm exhausted and I think I just leaked a little milk onto my blouse (thank goodness I had the foresight to wear a cardigan sweater!) Motherhood is SO glamorous!!

Cry Me a River

Today we go to Otto's daycare for orientation. That means its really real: My maternity leave is almost over. I'm trying to follow Drs. Sears' advice and not think about "W-day" but it ain't no easy thing. Fortunately, I feel good about the place we've chosen for him and I will be able to nurse him on my lunch breaks which is more than many mothers can do. But still. I'm all teary eyed over it.

On the bright side, it is about 8 degrees Fahrenheit and blowing snow.

Wah.

2 Months**

Dear Otto,
This week you are 2 months old. Its really hard to believe and yet it seems like you've always been here. We went to the pediatrician yesterday and you are a big kid!! 13 lbs 4 oz., over 25 inches long...wow! Obviously, you love breastfeeding! Also, both of your parents are very tall so I think you will be too.

You have some of the bluest eyes I've ever seen. Those, you got from your Momma. You got your dad's nose, though, for which I am thankful.



Every day you get more expressive- your face lights up when you see me or Dad and you gurgle and coo and have long "conversations" with us, especially when you are warm and happy and recently fed. You have started sucking on your knuckles (always the right hand) and you have begun to reach out for toys which is pretty neat. You have even rolled over from your tummy to your back twice...I can only imagine what it will be like when you are actually mobile! (Note to self: I should probably at least begin thinking about baby proofing...!)



One of your favorite times of day is evening when Dad is home. The two of you have a great time dancing and listening to Rock n' Roll records. You also really love your "gym," which is what we call the little Fisher Price thing that someone gave you.

I only have 2 1/2 weeks of maternity leave left which makes me sad. And as we are still waiting to hear about getting into a daycare, it makes me nervous too! But Dad is going to stay home with you the week before Xmas and then I will be off until after New Years so we still have a little time.

All in all, you bring us so much joy. And poopy diapers. But mostly joy.

I love you,
Momma

**Ok, so I am a copy cat. But I love how other bloggers, like Dooce and Cecily post monthly letters to their adorable children. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery...right?

Odds and Ends. Mostly Odds.

Thanksgiving was the typical family fest it is every year...food, loud talking, crazy hyper children, and a drunk grandma. Yay! The only difference this year was that Otto is here and he was constantly being stolen from me. I really don't mind other people holding him...really, I don't! But I confess that I like it when people ask permission..."can I hold him?" or "Ok if I see that cute little bugger?" I DO NOT like it when people simply grab him out of my arms with out a word. Does that make me a selfish bitch? Probably. Deal with it.


* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


Moving on...we came into some money over the weekend, which was nice. So on our way home on Friday, we stopped and did some furniture shopping. Yay again! There is a leather recliner being delivered this Friday. I can't wait. The chair it is replacing is a relic from the Husband's bachelor days and has been serving as a cat scratching post for the past 7 years. So you can imagine how perfectly gorgeous it must be.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I'm trying VERY VERY HARD to make it through reading the Lord of the Rings. I love the movies and the Husband has read the 3 books, like, a MILLION times but for some reason, I've never been able to make it through them. I consider myself an avid reader and a lover of fantasy, so I'm not sure why I find this particular book (we have all 3 books in one volume- its over 1000 pages) to be so bloody difficult. Tolkien's style of writing is a little flower-y or something I guess and my father pointed out that the books (unlike the film version) lack any strong female characters. Maybe that's my problem...who knows. But I have vowed to get through it this time. We'll see what happens.


* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

And finally, I'll leave you with evidence of how super cold it has been lately:

Apologies and HAPPY TURKEY DAY

Yes, I suck, suck, SUCK at posting. Sorry. Internet time is just very infrequent these days. Otto has been demanding more and more time as he transitions from that yummy sleep-all-the-time newborn stage to the HELLO!? -I- am -now- awake- and- a -real- actual -baby -who -needs -stuff stage. Still, he's not colicky or anything, just likes lots of attention- talking to, singing to, playing, being held, etc. The sling works half the time, the other half, only being held over a shoulder will do. He is also doing this thing where he wants to nurse CONSTANTLY. Growth spurt? Maybe so. Or a eerily organized effort to slowly drive his Mama crazy. You choose.

We're off to the Husband's Aunt's house tomorrow for the big feast. It promises to be long, tiring, and overstimulating. The food is always good, but its a trade-off, you know? The husband's folks are paying for a hotel room for us, so at least we won't have the late night drive back.

Off to go get some pies in the oven before the little dictator wakes up and demands more milkies.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Enjoyed Halloween, We Did

Now that the laundry is somewhat caught up, the dishes are done and the dog has been walked, I finally have time to post pics of our little Yoda...





As you can see, he was terribly excited about his costume. We had several trick or treaters, which is always fun, and Yoda enjoyed answering the door with Mama. If I'd had time, I would have found a gold bikini and dressed up like Princess Leah...now THAT would have been scary. Oh well.

In other news, I attended my second La Leche League meeting last night and it was lots of fun! I enjoyed the conversation topic (Nighttime Parenting) and the Q & A that followed. And it was just really cool to chill with some other bf'ing mommas. Maternity leave can be a little isolating at times and it was fun to get out and hang with some LWB's (Ladies with Babies). In conversation, it was discovered that at least 2 new mom's live within walking distance of our house so there may be some walking/tea/playdates to be had in the coming months. Yay for new friendsies!

Otto (or Autobahn, as we have been calling him..heh) is doing great. A little fussier but also more alert and awake during the day. And I'm pretty sure I've caught a couple of social smiles here and there...they are very fleeting but I have a hunch that they will become more frequent in the next few weeks. He's sleeping great at night (knock on wood). We go to bed around 11, he's up at 4:30 to eat and then back down until around 8:30 or so. This is a vast improvement from the every 2 hour thing we were doing in the beginning.

And now, suddenly its November...the holidays are fast approaching...I guess I should start thinking about gifts. I usually try to do something homemade or semi-homemade but I don't foresee having much time to knit/sew/make soap or candles in the near future. I'll have to do some creative Google-ing to see if I can come up with a cool project that won't turn my hair grey.

one month old!

Yesterday was Otto's one-month birthday. Or whatever you call that. We went to the pediatrician's office for a 'weight check' and he is (drumroll...) 10 lbs., 11 oz. Ye Gods! Mama's got some sweet milk. He's also around the 80th percentile for height and head circumference. What a bruiser.

Now that all the visitors are finally gone (The Husband's folks left on Saturday), I feel like our lives as parents have truly started. Its a little weird being home everyday...I keep thinking in the back of my mind that I'm going to have to get up and go to work...but in reality, that's not for another 8 weeks! I'm so glad I'm taking the full 12 weeks of maternity leave. Right now, I can't imagine handing this little guy over to strangers...(sob)

The weather has been really pretty so we've been trying to get out everyday- taking the dog for walks, visiting the husband at work, running errands. Housework has been put on the back burner, but honestly, I really don't care. I'm keeping up with laundry and dishes and the other stuff can just wait, as far as I'm concerned.

All in all, I'd have to say I'm enjoying the Mama thing pretty completely. I've had a couple moments of feeling down in the dumps but they tend to pass pretty quickly and be replaced by complete awe at this new little dude that takes up so much of our time.

Sigh.

3 weeks

Otto is 3 weeks old. Hard to believe its been that long and yet it seems like he's been here forever...if that even makes any sense. Nursing is going really well...at his last check up he was up to 9lbs. 1.5 oz. He is super long and already growing out of most of his newborn clothes. I think he'll be in 3-6 mos. stuff here pretty soon.

The last 3 weeks have been pretty crazy, though. The Husband's granddad passed away and we had to go to the funeral when Otto was only 10 days old...it was 2.5 hrs away and a really long, trying day for all of us. Due to the long car ride, I got engorged the next day, which was no fun. Fortunately, my mom was here and knew just what to do...I took a hot shower before feeding the little guy to soften things up a bit and then used ice packs after he ate. That and a little ibuprofen for the discomfort seemed to do the trick.

We've also had a steady stream of visitors...first my mom was here, then my best friend from college, and now the in-laws. I'm really looking forward to having the house to ourselves and hopefully getting into a nice daily rhythm.

So, aside from the sleep deprivation, I'd say we are doing just fine. Otto is a trip, man. He doesn't fuss much so far and when he does, he is very easily comforted. He does seem to love sucking, though, so we introduced a pacifier a couple of days ago. We've only used it a couple of times - when he's been well fed, diapered, etc. and just needed a little help falling asleep. Its a little more convenient than a pinky finger which is what we had been doing.

I feel like this post is all rambling but there's nothing for it...someone needs to eat...again!

Otto!

Otto is here! We are so happy. It was the most intensely difficult experience of my life. Here's a quick version of the birth story (about all I have time for!):

Went in to get induced on Sunday night. (There was concern about decreased fetal movement and my group b strep status so they convinced me to agree to an induction.) Midwife gave me prostiglandin gel to get things moving and my water broke at 3 am. At 9am the following morning, they started the pitocin. I labored all day and the contractions got more and more intense. Around 3 pm I got in the tub which provided some much needed relief, but stalled my labor. So out I came and got hooked up for a bit more pitocin. Ouch. During transition, I was in so much unrelenting pain, it was unbelievable. Finally I asked if there was anything they could do to help me out. The midwife gave half a dose of nubaine (sp?) which gave me just enough of a rest between contractions to think that I might actually make it. Unfortunately, I didn't know that the baby would be stuck behind my pubic bone and I would end up pushing for 2 hours and 15 min. It was horrible. They actually called in the OB/GYN on call because the midwife thought forceps or vacuum extraction might be needed. Fortunately, I somehow managed to push him out myself. Not really sure how I accomplished this! And I only tore minimally.

But he's here, he's incredibly healthy and we are both home now getting to know eachother.

Otto was 8 lbs. 7 oz. and 20 3/4 inches long.

T + 2

40w2d. No baby yet. Which is good, because every day that goes by increases the chances of the midwife making it to our birth. But is also bad because NO BABY YET. Gah. Guess we'll see what happens this weekend...I'm getting anxious to meet this little guy.

And to stop retaining water. Because, seriously. I'd like to at least be able to wear my rings...my hands feel totally nekkid, yo.

T-1

(One day until my due date. Eeep!)

Me -oh- my, what fun, what fun!! Been having all kinds of excitement here at Chez Bird Brain. Aside from just the general excitement and anticipation, that is. I got a phone call last week informing me that my midwife had been in a bad bike wreck and shattered her ankle. Ack! Fortunately, she will be ok, but it casts doubt on whether she will make it to our birth or not. Supposedly, she's supposed to be back part time this week, so we are crossing our fingers.

Due to the midwife being laid up, I saw an OB/GYN in the same practice for my appointment on Friday. I've seen her before and she's nice enough, I suppose. She did, however, strip my membranes without asking me- she was doing the cervical check and when I yelped in pain, she said, "oh, I just stripped your membranes to see if we can get something going." JEEBUS. NOT cool. It did seem to stimulate something, however, as I lost my mucus plug yesterday. (FYI: This was pretty gross. Imagine an enormous, bloody booger. Aren't you glad I'm here to share these things with you?)

So we are just twiddling our thumbs, waiting for Otto to make his appearance. I'm still working, which sort of goes against every instict I have right now...I feel like I should just be home nesting and waiting in my safe coccoon, not interacting with nosy people at work.

39 weeks...

...and no signs of impending labor. Not that I was expecting any, really. I don't even think the kid has dropped yet- I'm still carrying very much out front. I've had some low, dull mentrual-like cramps but nothing with a pattern or anything. I'm thinking it will be at least another week, if not longer. At my last appointment, I was only dialted "a fingertip." The midwife said they will "let" me go up to 41 weeks and then I'm assuming they will want to induce. I really hope to avoid that if I can...I hear nothing good about induction and don't really want to go there unless its absolutely medically necessary. But maybe I'll feel differently in two weeks if the kid hasn't shown his little face yet...

Otherwise, I'm feeling pretty good. Not really sleeping much, but I think that's par for the course. Trying to do alot of relaxing and de-stressing when I'm not at work: reading a good book , watching lots of movies with the Husband, taking long, hot baths, going to my knitting group, lunches with friends, etc. I'm fully aware that my time for these sorts of activities may be in short supply very soon. And something tells me that I should just be taking it easy and conserving energy. Because of my leg, I can't work out but walking has been ok'd so the dog and I have been taking nice moderate walks in the mornings and I'm still walking to and from work (only 8 blocks or so.)

In other news, we ordered a part for the Husband's car and hopefully will get it up and running sometime soon. In the meantime, we've been using my little car which (knock on wood) is still running fine and the Husband has been able to borrow a friend's van as well.

He's also getting help for his panic attacks, which I am so proud of him for doing. I think there are alot of guys who would resist talking to drs, therapists, etc. but I think he realizes that he needs help and by helping himself, he's helping me to not be so worried about him.

So, all in all, things are looking up. Next midwife appointment is this Friday. Wonder if she'll notice any signs of progress...

38weeks2days

Oh. My. Lord. We are getting so close! For so long, September seemed eons away...some remote time in the future. All of a sudden, its here. Argh! I think we're pretty much ready, though...well, as ready as you can be, which is to say, not at all! But we have a co-sleeper and a carseat and some diapers and stuff so I think we'll manage.

That said, I'm really not feeling any urgency yet. I'm kind of just enjoying my time right now- taking lots of long walks with the dog, spending time with the Husband, enjoying some long hot baths with a good (non-baby/child related) book...Physically, I'm feeling pretty good. Now that the superficial blood clot in my leg has cleared up and I'm no longer in searing pain, just being pregnant doesn't seem all that bad. Sure, I have some hip/crotch pain and pressure and sleeping is just not very comfortable, but those things aren't really bothering me. Really, I feel pretty centered and content at the moment.

They started a baby pool at work. So everyone's been coming down to my desk to ask me if I'm "feeling anything." I have to be honest- not really! Or at least, I'm not feeling anything different than I have been the past couple of weeks. Otto will come whenever he is ready and I'm not really all that keen on hurrying him up. Although, I might change my story if my due date comes and goes and still no baby...;-)

Updates

Baby: Had 37 weeks appointment with midwife today. Can't believe we are getting so close! I tested positive for Group B Strep which sucks, but she did her best to reassure me that it won't impede my labor too much- I'll have to have a heparin lock and get antibiotics once every 8 hours for 15 min. or so, but I should be able to pretty much move around and do whatever I need to do otherwise.

The baby's movement has decreased in the past couple of days and she couldn't really get him to squirm much so she did a non-stress test. Good news is, baby is fine. I think that between her poking and prodding him and then getting hooked up to the monitor, he woke up and realized that we were expecting him to DO stuff. heh. I was having contractions and the baby was responding great so no worries.

Midwife also gave me her cell phone number "just in case," and let me know where she would be this weekend...I wonder if that means she thinks something's happening...

Husband: Still having panic attacks but hopefully he will be getting help soon. A therapist is supposed to call him back this week. I know he can't help it and the last thing I want is to add to his stress, but it kind of worries me. What if he has one when I'm in labor and I'm left alone to deal? That freaks me out. I hope we can get this resolved or at least under control before d-day.

Car: Husband's car is still dead. We haven't really done anything about it number 1, because we are broke, and number 2 because we are just trying to get a handle on the panic attack thing. And I'm trying to avoid anything that might stress him at all and that definately includes hounding him about getting his car fixed. Sigh. Why do things have to be so stressful all the time??

At least baby is good, we are pretty much ready, except for getting the carseat installed (really must get on that) and we have eachother. But seriously. I'm just ready for things to be NORMAL again.

Ok, so THAT sucked.

Much to my bitter displeasure, I was on bed rest all last week for a freaking superficial blood clot behind my left knee. I had an ultrasound on it to determine that "oh, it is not the dangerous kind," but rather the OH MY GOD I AM IN CONSTANT EXCRUCIATING PAIN kind so not only was I pretty much confined to the couch doing moist heat compresses, but I was forced to take precious sick days that should have been used for maternity leave goddammit! (Yes, I am so put out by this that it excuses run on sentences.)

Anyway, I'm back at work today and the leg is now back to tolerable amounts of twingy pain as opposed to constant gritting my teeth and wanting to amputate pain. I think the heat and elevation has pretty much cleared the clot (there is just one tender spot) but the hard, rope like texture of the vein and general discomfort probably will not lessen until I pop this little critter out, hopefully in 3 weeks or so. I'm wearing support hose (yes, I am SEXY) and doing as much as I can to keep the clot from coming back.

To add insult to injury, The Husband's car broke down and will not start so we are down to one vehicle. I'm sure it will be 5 million dollars to fix. WHAT THE HELL. Oh -oh -AND he's been having panic attacks lately (and can you really blame him?) which means that I'm worried about him and there have been doctor visits and xanax pills taken and ugh.

A lady at work gave me the book "The Secret" and I've been trying to send positive thoughts out into the universe but jeebus. This is getting frickin' ridiculous.

Time to practice my breathing for labor. Deep breaths. Deep cleansing breaths....

Attitude Adjustment

My outlook is a bit better today, but I'm still finding myself leaning towards the negative. I figured that making a list of the things I have going for me, however, can only brighten my mood. Its worth a try, anyway!

Reasons why I should not be a big ol' crybaby throwing pity parties for myself all the time:

1. I have a great marriage. Sure we have our issues (and who doesn't?) but on the whole, my 7 year young marriage is going strong. We have, what I would term, a unique relationship in that we are both pretty independent (separate cars, bank accounts, last names) but we truly are eachother's best friends. Honestly, I think this comes out in pretty much everything we do. We have similar ideas about education (yes, please!), religion (no, thanks) and lots of other stuff that will be imperative when raising a kid.

2. I have great family relationships. I'm great friends with my parents and generally on good terms with my brothers. The Husband's family treats me like a long lost daughter and is generally wonderful, so no complaints with the in-laws.

3. I have a good job working with good people and really, really good benefits.

4. We have decent place to live. Granted, its not "ours" but we could have (and have had!) a much worse rental situation. As it is, the rent isn't killing us, the location is just right and there's plenty of room for baby.

5. I am in good health. I excersise everyday, eat right, and try to have a (mostly!) positive mental outlook. I have a feeling that if I hadn't been so fit when we got knocked up, this pregnancy might have been alot harder for me.

6. We have a new baby to look forward to. Now this one is a double edged sword. I know that I'm "supposed" to be all gaga-giddy over the whole thing, but the fact is that this was unplanned and a complete surprise. Alot of days, I think I am still struggling with this. But more and more, I'm starting to look forward to who this new little person will be and the relationship we will have with eachother. Of course I have anxiety (find me an 8 mos. pregnant woman who doesn't) but once he's here and healthy I think I will be in seventh heaven. At least until he starts mouthing off. :-)


Ok, I suppose I feel a little bit better. Hopefully I can shake these blues or whatever I've got going on here in the next day or two.

Cry Me a River

You know, the proud wannabe superwoman in me hates to admit this, but the third trimester thing is really kicking my ass. Some days (like yesterday) are fine- I have enough energy to get through the day, I'm wearing clothing that at least sort of fits and I'm in a postitive mental state. Then you have days like today where I'm pooh-bear with the little black raincloud following me around everywhere I go. So, in the spirit of throwing myself a little pity party, I present to you:

Reasons why I am pissy today:
1. I woke up at 3:30 am and could not get back to sleep. At all.

2. While I was doing yoga in the basement, I killed, like, 5 MILLION bugs crawling in the carpet, on the walls, ceiling, etc. Disgusting. (Ok so that's a slight exaggeration. But I did kill quite a few, like 7 maybe)

3. While showering I noticed at LEAST 4 more stretch marks, bringing the grand total up to something like five hundred and twelve.

4. Hardly anything fits me. I'm now too huge for most of my maternity clothes. I have, like, 1 top and a couple dresses that actually fit. But I'm so cheap, I have a really hard time going out and buying something that I will wear for (hopefully) only 5 weeks or so.

5. Everything hurts/aches. Especially my hips and crochtal region. Fun. And I have a nasty varicose vein on the back of my left knee that is positively painful when I stand up after sitting or laying down for any period of time. That and its super purdy.

6. Heartburn. Can't breathe. Someone's foot is in my rib cage.

7. The Husband tells me his band may have a show on my 30th birthday. So instead of a nice birthday dinner, I'd be sitting in a nasty bar watching everyone but me get drunk. Nice.

That's it for now, I guess. Tomorrow, I'll try to post a list of positives, I swear.

We should have been sent to detention

When you were in school, remember those kids that were the troublemakers? The annoying ones who were always laughing at some secret joke in the back row and who never hesitated to sass the teacher? Well, we attended Prepared Childbirth classes this past weekend and let me tell you, we WERE those kids. The Husband had me in stitches the entire time with a running commentary about everything from our fellow classmates to ridiculous labor 'helpers'...it was fucking hilarious. I could go into details, but it was all pretty vulgar and probably only truly funny to us anyway. A "you had to be there" type thing.

In between all the barely controlled (and probably highly annoying) giggling, we did manage to learn quite a bit. I have to say that all in all, the class greatly relieved alot of the anxiety I was feeling about childbirth. We got a tour of the "Family Care Unit" of the hospital and learned alot about relaxation and breathing techniques to try during labor. And, if nothing else, I'm pretty confident that my labor support person will be able to make me laugh.

And, in another fit of 'getting ready for baby,' I finally ordered the carseat, stroller, and co-sleeper. Yay! Honestly, at this point I think we are pretty much ready. There are a few odds and ends that we could stand to get (i.e., a few more burp cloths, changing pads, and maybe another co-sleeper sheet or 2) but I keep reminding myself that getting ready for a baby is NOT like preparing for the Apocalypse...the world will keep on going even if I do have a kid and this includes grocery stores and Kmart.

Cankles are the new black

Well, I wish cankles were somehow fashionable because OH MY GAWD I would be the envy of everyone in town. My feet and ankles have suddenly swollen up like giant german sausages in the last couple of days. I think one contributor might be a high sodium dinner I had thanks to the local mexican restaurant. That and I am nearly 8 mos. pregnant and its hot as shit outside.

Blah.

I feel like one of those old ladies- you know who I mean? The ones that have the swollen cankles and wear really baggy pantyhose with the white orthopedic shoes? In other words, SMOKIN' HAWT.

Pump it up!

I've totally been stressing about getting a breast pump. They don't rent them here in this po-dunk town anymore and as I will be going back to work full time 10-12 weeks post partum, a good pump will be a necessity. There are some nay-sayers in my life who cautioned that I should 'wait until after the baby comes to make sure I can breastfeed.' These are mainly women who themselves gave up on breastfeeding right away. However, my argument is that 1) I am doing lots of reading to prepare myself for what to expect 2) I am COMMITTED to breastfeeding. Period. and 3) As my midwife so succinctly put it, it is not rocket science and with patience and the right support, pretty much everyone can do it if they are willing to put in the effort. So there you go. Plus, I think that if might be handy to have the pump right from the get go in case I need to pump to up my supply or something.

Anyway, after some research, I decided that the Medela Pump In Style double pump was my best bet. I'll most likely be pumping at least 3x a day at work and want something reliable and efficient. However, the $250 price tag on the Medela is a little daunting. Fortunately, I am married to an Ebay GENIUS and he found a brand new, unopened one for...(drumroll)...$180. That's with shipping.

Yay!

So that's one more thing taken care of. 7 weeks to go!

Duuuuuuhhhhhhhh

My brain is on vacation, I swear. As I enter the last few weeks of pregnancy, I find myself becoming more and more introspective and absent minded. Is this normal? Its definitely hard to concentrate at home- and work? Fugggedaboudit. Honestly, except for a few rare moments of startling clarity, (usually "Oh SHIT we are having a baby" moments) it feels like my skull is full of marshmallow goo. And, I suppose it doesn't help that its really hot, I'm starting to swell, and my hips are painful and feel like their about to pop out of their sockets at any second. Sort of distracting, that.

We did, however, finally get the crib together this weekend. So Otto's room actually looks like a baby's room instead of the back warehouse at the salvation army. Everything in there is fairly utilitarian: crib, changing table, dresser, bookshelf and rocking chair/nursing station. My one indulgence was a piece of art that I purchased off Ebay and had personalized. Its adorable, dahling.

We are also interviewing pediatricians- all TWO practices in town. Yeah. We are looking at family practitioners as well, though. Next interview is on Wednesday, which is also The Husbands birthday. Cake and baby doctors all in one day? Yay multitasking.

And now, because this is my blog and I can do whatever the hell I want, a list of things yet to be done before Otto makes his appearance (hopefully) about 7 weeks from now (maybe writing this out will help the goo-brain):

-Purchase carseat, stroller, and co-sleeper. Will probably need some co-sleeper sheets as well.

-Attend pre-natal classes at hospital and get pre-registered.

-Start stocking up on freezer meals and easy eats for the weeks after birth.

-Put together post-partum kit: Peri-bottle, witch hazel, lavender, pads, lansinoh, etc.

-Make list of things to go with me to the hospital

-Try to relax and enjoy these last few weeks of relative freedom.

News flash: I am a huge dork.

Ok, so we knew that. Anyhow, I was up and reading the new Harry Potter book by 9am on Saturday morning. The Husband and I are currently taking turns reading it. I know. DORKS.

So far, I am about 325 pages in and totally riveted. Its exciting, yo! Shit is going down and things are serious. And if you want to make fun of me, fine. I'm a confident enough nerd not to be bothered by your hatin'.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

In other nerd-ish related news, I finished Otto's blanket this weekend and began knitting some organic cotton bathing cloths to wash his little bum with. Knitting is totally helping to calm my nesting instinct right now. I've been frustrated because I tried to get The Husband to help me put the crib together all weekend, a chore which he artfully managed to dodge. I know that we are planning on co-sleeping for the first few months, but I want that crib set up, dammit! I just want Otto's room to be all in order, is that so wrong?!?

Once that's done the only thing left is to order the carseat and stroller, which we need to wait to do until we get paid at the end of the month. Suddenly, September seems so close...I have an appointment with the midwife this afternoon and am going to bring my tentative birthplan along and have her take a peek at it. Only 8 (or so) weeks to go!

Somebody call the Waaaaaaambulance

OMG I AM SO TIRED! Why oh why can I not get a good night's sleep? I'm definitely tired enough. And I find myself nodding out during the day: Especially while watching TV and even while sitting at my desk at work (shhh. Don't tell.) But for some STUPID reason, the second my head hits the pillow, sleep becomes entirely elusive. And if I do, by some miracle, manage to fall asleep then jeebus help me if I wake up for any reason during the night because then it is GAME OVER.

Things that wake me up include (but are not limited to):

Excrutiating calf cramps
Having to pee. Bad.
The baby deciding that it is time to train to become a cage fighter
The cheapass window A/C unit shutting off and on and spitting ice chips
The dog needing to pee. Bad.
The Husband snoring/breathing loudly/taking all the covers/etc. etc. etc.

BLAH. Wah wah wah.

Ok, I feel better. And I know you LOVE posts that are rife with ALL CAPS.

An Idiot, by any other name,...

So- I'm not sure if I shared this story on this blog yet...Remember how we were keeping the baby's name a secret to avoid commentary/suggestions/associations, etc? Well, the secret is out. And to tell the truth, although I am fine now, I was just a little pissed about how it all went down:

We were at a friend's house hanging out. Everyone (exept yours truly, of course) was drinking and generally making asses of themselves. And The Husband starts talking about how we should just tell everyone the name since we are decided and won't change our minds. I consider this and say something like, "yeah, well we might decide to let the secret out at some point, I guess." Then, I realized what time it was and that I had to work the next day and took off home. The Husband stayed, of course, because he would rather be tired and hung over at work than miss time making an ass of himself in front of our friends.

The next morning, I find out that he took it upon himself to share the name with everyone. After I'd left. So I didn't get to see anyone's reaction or anything. Boy, was I livid. At that point it was essentially game over and we have subsequently shared our choice with family, co-workers, and the like.

I don't really mind people knowing- lots of people decide on and share names before their kids are born. But somehow, I was enjoying having this one little secret that was just ours...everyone knew that the ultrasound showed "boy" but the name was still a mystery to everyone but us. Is that selfish?

Guess it doesn't really matter now. The Husband was very apologetic, saying that he didn't realize how I felt about it, yada yada yada. What's more, everyone we've told has loved the name or done a good job of hiding their repulsion.

And I suppose that there are plenty of questions still to be answered, lots of mysteries to be solved- who will he look like? What will his personality be? How shitty of a mother will I ultimately become?

Oh, and just so you don't feel left out, his name will be Otto.

Poptart

I MUST knit this. Must.

Rockin'!

So Megan over at SortaCrunchy has nominated me as a Rockin' Girl Blogger! I'm so flattered. And not in the least by the idea that someone actually reads my blog. Heh. And, Megan, if you hadn't been already, I'd nominate you right back! Thanks, toots!

"Alllll byyy myyy seeeeeeelf. Don't wanna be..."

Today marks day 8 that The Husband has been gone on tour with his band. Naturally, I have mixed feelings about this. Primarily, I miss him a lot. Where else am I supposed to direct my pregnancy-hormone-induced rage when he is not here? Plus, cooking for one sucks. And you know, there's all that other stuff about him being my best friend/sexy rock n' roll lover yada yada yada.

On the other hand, being home alone has a certain charm. I've gotten so much housework done, its unreal. And funnily enough, the house is staying clean with just me there picking up after just myself. I've been knitting, reading, watching movies and generally doing nothing but what I want to do when I'm not at work. And at this stage of pregnancy, I can't say that the time to myself hasn't been kind of nice.

I will, however, be ready to see him when the tour van rolls into town on Saturday. Hopefully, he won't be too put off by the beginnings of a lovely, dark pink stretch mark I discovered yesterday on my hip...man- who knew pregnancy could be so sexy?

Flurries of....activity.

Things are just beginning to settle down now after a harried holiday. My parents got here last Thursday and we had a wonderful visit (even if my Mom tends to drive me a wee bit crazy). Friday, we drove to Ft. Collins for some shopping- I scored some new flip flops, 2 nursing bras ( I am now a total hoochie in a D cup...too bad my belly dwarfs them so bad, because my ladies are quite magnificent at the mo') and a clearance maternity top. Was on the look out for used kids stuff (pack n' play, jogging stroller, and the like) but no dice.

Saturday, we built a picnic table "together". Well, technically, I let my dad rock the power saw and pretty much all the tools and work and stuff, I made myself useful by holding things when I was told and, uh, handing him tools and stuff when I was not sitting in the shade drinking lemonade. Anyhew, the table and benches are made of redwood and turned out so pretty. I foresee many a drunken BBQ with the table taking center stage. I think the dog appreciates it too, as it gives her another shady spot in the yard- we've been roasting the last week or so.

Sunday was our Baby Q (Baby Shower + BBQ). It was a total hoot and we got a lot of great gifts: clothes, blankets, boppy pillow, rocking chair, handmade quilt, bathtub, 24 packs of Pabst and other assorted goodies. Just about everyone we invited showed up (40+ people!) so there was lots of socializing and eating great food. And drinking Pabst. If you ask me, that's the way to do it. I think The Husband actually appreciated being involved, and his buddies seemed to have a great time. With their Pabst. It was so much better than an all-girl thing with stupid games. (No offense, if you're into that sort of thing...)

I spent most of Monday and Tuesday helping The Husband get ready for a two week long tour with his band (I tried to emphasize that soap and deodorant are as important as guitar picks and strings...what would he do without me? ). And then on July 4th I just sort of collapsed in an exhausted heap of hot pregnantness on the couch. I had some invitations to hang out with buddies, but honestly, I was enjoying the quiet. Of course, the house feels a bit empty now, after all that activity. But I've got the pets to keep me company and this little mexican jumping bean in my tummy.

Speaking of, HOLY CRAP does this kid like to boogie. Evenings seem to be the most active time and its entertaining to just lay back and watch my belly do the Alien Ressurection thing. And like a good horror movie, things are a little fun and a little scary...September is fast approaching and there are still some things to work out- like how we are going to afford the car seat, stroller and co-sleeper we still need to get. And whether we will get into a daycare...and how bad would it be to get drunk in the hospital. (I'm talking for The Husband, not me...I'll be high on Life, I'm sure.)Ack! Deep breaths.

Keepin' On Keepin' On

I have to say, I am sort of rocking this whole pregnancy thing these days. Yesterday was my 28 week appointment. Had to drink that crappy glucose whatever and then get blood drawn. And then today I have to go back and get my shot of Rhogam since I am Rh negative. But I've only gained 2 lbs. since the last appointment and the veins on my leg are looking better thanks to my strict regiment of wearing support hose (most of the time), elevating my feet whenever I get the chance and pampering the ugly things with cool witch hazel compresses. I'm eating well and excersising every day and all in all, I have to say that I'm feeling pretty good about stuff.

It helps that the Husband and I had an enjoyable (7th!) anniversary. We slept in and then rode our bikes downtown for breakfast. After that, we spectated at the bicycle race that was going on and then went to this movie. Dinner was casual but then there was time for some *ahem* intimacy that we had been lacking for, oh, the last month or so. (Apparently, pregnancy is not a turn-on for the Husband...but he was nice enough to fake it for the sake of my sanity.) So that was that.

Now, I just need to get ready for my parents to come later this week and for our baby shower on Sunday. I can't believe its here already. Ack!

Random thoughts and plans. In no particular order.

-Finally, we are having summer weather! Yipee. Its been in the 80's all week. The Husband complains of being too hot, but I love it. I especially love riding my bike to work without freezing my ass off. Such a nice change.

-The Mother-in-Law dropped off a crib, changing table, and other odds and ends yesterday. And we received a box of baby toys from my mom. All of a sudden THERE IS BABY STUFF AT MY HOUSE. This is almost too weird to even wrap my head around. And the kid is going to be here so soon...I'm already in the 3rd trimester- 3 months to go. Eeeep!

-Last night, there was a fabulous punk rock show that I just couldn't stay away from. I was out way to late and am pretty tired today but it was so worth it just to be out on a warm summer night, hanging with friends and hearing great music. Besides, this summer may be my last chance to do this kind of stuff with minimal worry and fuss for a while. So I'm going to enjoy it while it lasts.

- We have a busy weekend ahead: Tonight, we are headed down to Ft.Collins (CO) to meet the in-laws for dinner. Tomorrow, I'm having lunch with a friend to finalize the plans for the baby shower BBQ which is next weekend and both tomorrow and Sunday I hope to make more progress on getting the kid's room set up. Sunday is also our 7th wedding anniversary. Which is just strange.

-Next week, my parents are coming to visit and I'm so excited. They live so far away now that I rarely get to see them...maybe twice a year. My dad and I are going to build a picnic table together. Should be lots of fun. Yay summer!!

Photo shoot

So, Husband's band is putting out their next album this month. Last night was the photo shoot for the cover and we decided to get my pregnant belly in on the action. This is 26 weeks:

I even got my hair done before the shoot (not that you can see it in this picture) but it was totally cute. Big rockabilly pomp in front with a pony tail. I loved it! And, they borrowed 3 classic GTO's for the shoot that we all got to gawk at and drool over. A good time was had by all and I think they got some really nice shots for cover art.

McHann

As a person who grew up with pets, I feel like I have a special appreciation for their place in a home. In fact, I can confidently say that a house is not a home for me at all without pets. Growing up, we had several cats, fish, birds, gerbils, hamsters and Doc. Dr. Tubbs, or Doc for short, was a cute little black dog (1/2 cocker spaniel and 1/2 dachsund) who was with us for 17 years. He grew up along side us- there through all the growing pains, school dances, make-ups and break-ups, departures for college. I never thought I'd love another dog the way I loved Doc.


But then I got married. And with the Husband came McHann. A 2 year old German Shepherd with the sweetest disposition I have ever witnessed in a dog. Plagued by health problems her whole life, McHann has seen more of the vet than any animal ever should. When she developed a benign tumor in her ear, we actually took out a loan to pay for the surgery to fix it before it began pushing on her brain, slowly killing her. She has had an absess in her neck and once ate a dishtowel (I said she was sweet- not particularly bright ;-) and had to have her stomach cut open in 3 places to remove all the fibers. Through it all, she remained sweet, devoted, gentle and relentlessly loyal. She has never growled, snapped, bitten or been at all aggressive towards anyone- not even the Dr. who cut her head open to save her life. Now with only one ear, she has a cock-eyed goofiness that is impossible not to love.

Fast forward to the present-at 10 years old, McHann is starting to show her age. Her hips are stiff and seem painful at times, in spite of the glucosamine supplements prescribed by the vet. She moves slower and has less stamina for long walks or hikes. She sleeps more and her muzzle is gray.

But one thing has not changed: her relentless optimism and love. Each day when we walk through the door, its like Christmas- as though she has not seen us in days and days and is just SO HAPPY we have come back to her. Her big, brown eyes look up at us with the absolute love and trust that seems to be unique to her species. It may sound silly, but we feel truly blessed to have her in our lives.

When the baby comes, I know she will be wonderful. I hope we can continue to provide her with the love and attention she deserves. And as she gets older, I hope we can give her the things she has given us during the 7 years of our marriage: comfort, companionship, friendship, and unconditional love.

Tell Me Something I DON'T Know

Your Political Profile:

Overall: 5% Conservative, 95% Liberal Social Issues: 0% Conservative, 100% Liberal Personal Responsibility: 0% Conservative, 100% Liberal Fiscal Issues: 0% Conservative, 100% Liberal Ethics: 0% Conservative, 100% Liberal Defense and Crime: 25% Conservative, 75% Liberal

How Liberal Or Conservative Are You?

Maximum Suckitude

How lame was the final episode of the Sopranos!? Boo, I say.

Would you like some cheese with that Whine?

First of all, the house is a no-go. Its just too expensive. As convincing as the realtor and lender can be, I simply cannot handle the stress of trying to force something to work that would be such a stretch for us. Especially since we know this kid is going to cost a small fortune. At this point, I think we have decided to maybe wait a year and then try again. Just get used to the kid related expenses, maybe try to save some money and pay off some debts and then re-evaluate next spring. As disappointing as this is, its probably for the best and honestly, I feel a little relieved. Going through all that financial crap and moving would be stressful right now and I kind of just want to concentrate on getting this little feller here.

And of course, as nice as it would be to have a place of our own, the rental we have right now is perfectly adequate and the kid is not going to give one monkey shit where we live as long as he is warm and dry and has easy access to a boob. So. I think we'll be just fine.

On the pregnancy related front: Oy. Things are kind of crappy right now. I'm trying to have a positive attitude but Holy Shit am I the Heaviest I've ever been in my Life and it just totally freaks me out. Plus, the midwife is worried about a varicose vein on my leg. So as if I wasn't feeling sexy enough, I am now supposed to wear TED hose. And as much as I try to curb the colorful metaphors on this blog, this majorly fucking sucks. Because- HELLO- it is summer. If it was January I don't think I'd really much care- it would just be another layer against the Wyoming wind, but now that its finally nice out, its just a cruel, cruel joke.

Now, I know things could be so. much. worse. I could be on bed rest or diabetic or losing the baby or any other number of things. I should really count my blessings that for the most part I am super healthy and the kid seems to be doing just dandy. But I think its ok to just feel like shit is crappy sometimes. And I don't think that makes me a bad person.

Shhhhh.

I don't want to jinx this. I really don't. But we saw the perfect house on Friday. Well, perfect except for that it is a bit more than we wanted to spend. That's all I'm going to say. Please send good housey vibes.

Note to self: Do NOT get your hopes up. Do NOT.

Glimpses

Life is just barreling by these days. I know I say that kind of shit alot, but its just really true right now. I feel like I'm on Space Mountain or something...just kareening through in the dark, up and down, dipping and spinning, grasping at any thing that will make me feel grounded.

Crafting, however, is one thing that helps me feel a bit more sane...

First up, a picture of the Big Bad Baby Blanket (from Stitch n' Bitch). Its about halfway done. 100% Organic cotton yarn in pretty fall colors. Knitting is such therapy for me. Sorry its a sucky picture - I just took it with my phone, but you get the idea.



And some cute robot iron-on transfers I got from The Mod Dots Shop and slapped on some onesies.

After finishing these, I think I officially have an iron-on transfer BUG and want to do more! So I'm on the lookout for cute patterns...

And just for fun, a picture of me at 24 weeks. It looks so institutional because I work at a university and work is the only place I have access to a mirror that shows anything lower than my chest.
Note the j-lo junk in the trunk phenomenon. Booty-licious.

Mini-break= Good. Weight Gain = Ugh.

Hooray for 3-day weekends! The Husband and I went on a mini-break to Boulder, CO and had some much needed couple-time. It was lovely. Even though we are kind of broke at the moment, we just said 'screw it' and had fun. We ate tons of great food, did lots of window shopping and generally enjoyed eachother's company. We even ordered room service for breakfast because that is one of my all-time favorite, decadent things to do (I had banana-stuffed french toast. OMG it was SO good.) A yummy time, all around.

The trip had a practical purpose as well: We got our baby registry squared away. Feels good to have that all done. There's so much crap out there for babies, its hard to know what will be actually needed and what is just so much fluff. Fortunately, I have lots of mommy-friends who give advice freely so I think we did ok. As long as we get the co-sleeper, the carseat, and something to wrap the little guy up in, I think we will be golden.

We also did lots of talking about this new little person who will be here soon. We are already referring to him by name so much that it is hard to remember not to use it in anyone else's company. We really want to keep the name a secret if we can, but its difficult not to let it slip. I've taken to calling him the Karate Kid lately, as his kicks (or headbutts or whatever they are) have assumed such force, I can only guess that he is practicing to be a cage fighter.

**********************************

I am 24 weeks today. I look in the mirror in the morning and just have to shake my head in wonderment at the changes that have taken place in the last month or so. I am now unmistakeably pregnant. Its a weird feeling. And I know that I will only get bigger in the next 3 1/2 months. I am also finding it difficult to not worry about the weight gain. I know its normal and healthy and blah blah blah but I have worked so hard in the last 2 years to trim down and get in great shape that it is very challenging for me to see my meticulously toned body turn to what feels like marshmallow goo. I'm still exercising every day and trying to watch what I eat but I'm just so hungry all the time! My body has taken on a mind of its own, morphing into something completely unrecognizable and decidedly not skinny.

I know that a healthy baby is the number one most important thing...but is it so selfish of me to want to keep my thighs too? Yes, probably. I am already a horrible mother. Vainly caring about my cellulite when there is a little Karate Kid who needs lots of nourishment. Sigh. I think I'll go have a cookie.

Contest

So, I read about a contest on Megan's blog, which then led me to the actual contest info on Adventures in Babywearing (awesome! Note to self: Must read archives. Fabulous!) and Mason & Matisse. Drool. I LOVE bloggy-linky treasure hunts!

So know I am going commerce crazy and daydreaming about all this cute Mason & Matisse stuff:

This is right up our alley. And OMIGOSH the Babylicious stuff is too adorable. If only money were no object...

Nothing like some internet window shopping to brighten up a dreary day!

Dear Universe,

Just a few questions. For, you know, whenever you have some down time.

1. When, oh when sweet jeebus will it be warm? Not that I wish it was 100 degrees or anything, but 70 would be nice. I'm just saying. I'm getting tired of hauling my plants indoors every night due to the imminent threat of a bracing frost. So can we work on that, Universe? Thnx.

2. Also, dear Universe, while I have your attention, why was I cursed with varicose veins? This was really one of those pesky pregnancy 'symptoms' that the books tell you about that I secretly knew would not be a problem for me. This was, of course, completely delusional on my part, since my mother has them. Oops. I know I should be grateful that I have a healthy body and legs that get me from point A to point B day in and day out with nary a complaint but the vain, selfish part of me hates these puffy rivers of blue that map the back of my legs. And just in time for summer. If it ever gets here (see above.)

3. Why is it when we tell people that Yes, we have decided on a name for this baby and No, we are not telling do they insist upon guessing a long list of names, most of which I hate? "Oooh, is it Dustin? Derek? Tanner? Colton?" No! And Barf. (Of course, no offense is meant if you actually like these names...after all, they are very popular, at least in my state. They are not, however, for me. Or my kid.) Just stop guessing and accept the fact that you will not know the name until the kid gets here. Gracias.

4. Also, (and this is just a minor thing) why are most of my pregnancy dreams centered around Barak Obama? This, unlike the veins, is not a particularly unpleasant phenomenon, but I'd still like to know.

Thanks in advance,
Love,
Birdie

Growing Up

I have this friend from high-school-time that I recently reconnected with. Back in the day, he was a wonderful buddy- someone I really got along with. On a fluke, I discovered him in New York City, of all places, last year and we had a wonderful time going over the 'good old days' and marvelling at the way we had both totally changed and remained completely the same.


We were both on the speech and debate teams for our respective schools (his was about 3 1/2 hours from mine- neighbors by Wyoming standards) so we knew each other peripherally from that. Then, we both were chosen to attend a special month-long summer camp type thingy at the University of Wyoming the summer before our junior year. During that time, we had countless late night talks fraught with the angst and idealism that only teenagers know. We laughed, cried, and nursed each other through heart wrenching romantic relationship issues with others. At one point, the people in charge caught him in my room (a huge NO-NO) and we both got in enormous trouble. Even though we were not dating and never had romantic feelings for each other, we really bonded and were sad to say goodbye at the end.

This friend knew me at a time in my life when I was just starting out- just beginning to see myself as a player in the world. Just beginning to think about things like social justice, politics, feminism and the future. He was right there with me, and it was wonderful to have someone to travel this road with.

We saw each other a handful of times more until graduation at which time we parted ways, never to speak again. Until last year that is, when we hung out in NYC for 3 days of boozing and catching up. It was fabulous.

Today, my friend emailed me a picture. It is a picture of me that he took when I was 17 years old. I find myself scrutinizing it...looking for some glimmer of recognition of my former self. This is the me he knew. The girl in the photo looks so...happy. So young. So careless and wild. Am I still that same person now, nearly 13 years later? Yes and no. I recognize parts of this girl in myself, but I have grown up. At the end of this summer, I will turn 30. While that feels old, it also feels more comfortable than 17 did. I'm more cynical, and more resigned. I'm more confident, more sure of myself, my beliefs, and my place in this world. I know myself so much better- what I will and won't do, which compromises I'll make and which issues on which I will refuse to budge.

Would I go back to 17 if I could? Maybe for just one day. Just to feel that carefree, wild, hopeful, just-on-the-brink-of-life feeling again. But pretty soon, I think I'd want to come back to now...there was so much uncertainty back then. There is uncertainty now too, of course, but its a different thing because my core is more solid- I know who I am. Because as fun as 17 was, 29 feels better.

Touchy Subject

As mentioned in the previous post, we recently had our 20week ultrasound and found out that aside from looking normal and healthy (huzzah!), our baby is a boy. That day, laying on my back in the ultrasound room looking at pictures of my *gulp* son, I (with my neurotic, over-active brain) immediately started to think about all the decisions and work that lay ahead of us. One of the first things that popped into my head, for whatever reason, was circumcision.

I know that this is a touchy subject for a lot of people. One that carries weight because of religion, tradition, family history, or personal ethics. It's something that the Husband and I had never really discussed at length and I began to worry that our views may differ.

For the record, I am anti-circumcision. In my mind, the way that nature made you is just FINE and its silly to perform what is at best cosmetic surgery and at worst genital mutilation on a helpless, trusting infant. I just don't think that a baby's first days in the world should be colored by pain. Especially pain in such a sensitive area. Also, from the research I've read, there is no medical reason for this procedure- the myths of better hygiene and decreased risk of disease are just that- myths. (For more information see here, here, and/or here). Also the "he should look the way his father looks" argument doesn't really hold weight for me. How hard is it to explain that "when your father was a baby this was something they did but by the time you came along, we knew better?" Not that difficult, I'd wager.

Turns out, my worrying was for nada. As it turns out, the Husband and I are totally on the same page. Yay! He agrees that circumcision is an unnecessary procedure and sees no reason to perform it on our son. Good gravy, I love this man.

Whew. Now we can move on the the Very Important Question of What Music the Baby Will Listen To. This will be a much more hotly contested issue, I can assure you. Stay tuned.

It's a...

Boy!

Had the 20week ultrasound yesterday and aside from finding out the sex, we also learned that everything looks great. So, YAY. The doc who did the ultrasound seemed to do a good job (taking his time with measurements, explaining what he was doing, etc) and he put it on DVD for us. To be honest, I had no idea what he was talking about for the most part (just looked like fuzzy blobs) but its cool to have a record of it. And I definately caught some feet and hands, the top of a head and the scrotum that he so gleefully pointed out to us.

The fact that it is a boy is cool for many reasons (not that a girl wouldn't have been): First, we already agree on a boy name. Girl names would have meant some fights, I just know it. Also, we have good friends who just had a boy last September and the Husband's Sis had one in December so I think we will have lots of boyish hand-me-downs. That should save us some bank. And, I have always sort of pictured us with a little boy. I'm not sure why, but there it is. This is going to be fun. (Hard, I know ;-), but fun).

Back to the name thing- I'm so excited that we agree on one that we both love this early. We have decided, however, not to share it. That way, 1) no one can nay-say it until the little bugger is actually here and 2) if we do, by chance, change our minds for any reason, no one will be the wiser. Still, its exciting to be thinking of this little alien in my tummy as a 'he' with a name.

Man, this seems so real all of a sudden...;-)

I Give Up.

*Warning: Fairly Negative Venting Ahead.*

So. We have been officially 'house-hunting' for our first home for about a year now. And I give up. Between a husband who is resisting, who somehow thinks that renting is better than owning (because, you know, owning a home is a commitment) and who can never make up his mind about anything and a depressingly bare market, I do not think we will ever find anything.

We have looked at so. many. houses. And all of them, with the exeption of maybe 2, are totally and completely wrong for us. And the 2 that might have worked? A certain someone hemmed and hawed until another buyer snapped them up.

I hate to be negative about this, but I feel like I've been positive for so long, that I am just tired. Tired of hoping that maybe the next one will be THE one. Tired of hoping that the Husband will be able to actually commit to something without taking a month to deliberate. Is it a tragedy if we rent forever? No. But it would definately be smarter financially to invest. And, well, there would just be a certain sense of security in owning our home. Especially, you know, with a kid on the way and whatnot.

Sigh.

*End of Vent. Thank you for your Patience.*

Memo

From: Birdie

To: The people that call me at work and are horribly rude but then expect me to bend over backwards to do what ever you want.

Don't.

Thanks.

Keepin' Her Off the Pole

I will be 20 weeks tomorrow. Eeep! Time flies and all that. The big ultrasound is a week from today. I'm excited and nervous all at once. And, it will be interesting if we get to find out the sex because really, I have no bloody idea. People keep asking me, as though I will have some fabulous maternal intuition as to what this kid is and I got nuthin'. I did have a dream last night that it was a girl but I have a suspicion that means pretty much bupkis. As far as which one I'm hoping for, I can think of good things about either sex really- and the thought of raising either one is quite intimidating: They both have different, but important issues.

For example, I do not agree with Chris Rock (as funny as it is) that your only duty is to keep girls off the pole. (Giggle). While that is important (snicker), there's puberty, which lets face it, sucks for everyone, but girls have a special gift that lasts until menopause. There's body image and our cultural obsession with being thin, blonde, etc. Then there's sexism- both in the workplace and beyond. I worry about being able to teach a girl to transcend this stuff and truly think for herself and pave her own way in the world- to not expect everything to end like a Disney movie- marriage/kids/whatever is not always the happy ending. I worry about teaching her to know in her heart that she is just as good as everyone else and it doesn't matter whether she is tall or short or blonde or redheaded or heavy or thin. What matters is how she sees herself. As someone who has struggled with this stuff in my life, I think I appreciate the challenge, especially when the media, peers, even family and friends are throwing contradictory stuff your way. Whew. I get tired just thinking about it.

On the other hand, boys have issues too. While women deal with the cultural pressure to be thin/not take up much space and deal with sexism, men face special challenges from the expectations of masculinity...as much as we have grown as a culture, there's still alot of pressure to be stoic, strong, reserved and generally "male." There's also the whole "violence" issue- I think all little kids deal with this, but it seems to be especially important for boys since they are encouraged in our culture to act out aggressively, whether is it playing with 'army men' or pretend weapons instead of dolls, playing football, or being 'ballsy' businessmen.

I know I'm probably overthinking all of this. And that I will just take it as it comes and do my best to raise good, self-confident kids. But this is what I do- I analyze crap until I feel like my brain might explode.

Whadda Week

Friday already? How did that happen? While during the first trimester, time seemed to creep by at an alarmingly slow rate, suddenly it is litereally FLYING...I'm 19w3d...that is insane to me. With the tell-all ultrasound a little over a week away, I feel like I just need to STOP. and enjoy where I'm at right at this moment. Not knowing the sex... Not knowing if the little alien has 2 heads...well, you get the idea. AND its the weekend again. Huzzah!

My awe at the pending weekend and swift passage of time notwithstanding, on to other musings:

The old Husband and I have been making an effort to have one 'date night' a week. Most weeks, we have dinner somewhere and then wonder around the local megamart. I know. The romance of it all is almost painful. This week, however, we were a little short on dough and opted to stay in. It was so. much. fun. The H downloaded some episodes of this show (one of my faves) and we watched probably 7 or 8 of them in a row while eating a home cooked meal. I haven't laughed that much in ages. We had such a good time, in fact, that I feel no guilt missing his rock show tonight...Its in Denver, which means several hours in the car and getting home around 5am and I'm just not up to it. So I'll stay home and paint my toenails and play Guitar Hero. Or have a wild night with girlfriends. The possibilities are endless, really ;-).

Holy Crap!

So I began researching daycares today. And....Wow. I'm sure this comes as no suprise to the vetran parents out there, but They are Insanely Expensive. I could rent my kid their own house for the price of full-time daycare. Honestly. Not that I don't think quality daycare is worth it. But Damn. Makes me so wish that I could just stay home.

Unfortunately, this is impossible. We would not be able to pay our current bills on one income, nevermind the expenses of a child. We need both our paychecks. This is the sad truth. Also, and I know it is difficult to say for sure, as good as staying home sounds, I sort of suspect that it would drive me insane. I was a live-in nanny for 2 years and I know how the days go with nothing but baby talk and bad daytime TV. And everyone says that its different with your own kid, and this is probably true, but I just have the sneaking suspicion that I would love it for a while and then just feel trapped. And so, I am embarking upon this journey into daycare hell from which I may never return. Or it feels that way right now.

So far, there are 4 possibilities as far as daycare centers go- all have extensive waiting lists. Joy. We need to go tour and then get our names down if we think we would actually want our kids to go there. Also, I have an email out to the woman who wrangles all the in-home daycare providers. She has promised to research those that may have openings around when I am due. So maybe we'll get lucky.

But what happens if my maternity leave ends and we still HAVE NO ONE? These are the things that worry me. Even though we realistically have 5 more months of pregnancy to go, I am sort of kicking myself for not starting sooner.

Yipee! It finally, kinda, sorta looks like it maybe just might be spring. Yay! The weather has been bothering me so much (not that I haven't been bitching about it constantly) but you know...its nice to see the sunshine. And some green grass for a change. I hope it sticks around- tomorrow is the annual Aids Benefit Walk and it would be nice not to be wearing a hat and gloves and snowboots and the like...

Work is also a pain in the rear lately, so I'm glad its Friday. TGIF Muthas! Tomorrow, as I mentioned, is the Aids Walk followed by the Drag Queen Bingo fundraiser that evening. I went to this last year and it was an absolute Hoot. Am so looking forward to being out with my friends for a good cause. Sunday will be relax/catch-up day and I'm sure I'll spend most of the day doing chores in my pajamas. My favorite way to spend a Sunday, don'tcha know.

Stupid Meatheads.

So. This INCREDIBLY AWFUL decision by the CONSERVATIVE, ALMOST TOTALLY MALE supreme court has me completely irate.

Go over and read Cecily's blog . She says it way more elequently than I ever could. And while I have no wish to preach about my own views regarding a woman's right to choose (that's not really what this blog was created for), I had to say something.

Because I'm just that mad.

Just Blabbing.

I was going to post something about the horrible tragedy at the school in Virginia, but then Pam over at Musings of a Working Mom said what I was thinking better than I could. One can't help but wonder if the shooter hadn't had access to such a weapon if so many would be dead now.

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Weekend-wise, it was a good one. I was able to drive down to Denver for a dinner-date with my Papa on Saturday night. And of course he did some very Dad-like things such as:
-insist on paying for dinner
-insist on buying me a book I've been wanting and a tube of my favorite lotion
-lecture me on how my tires are low and I really need to take better care of my car.

After dinner, I spent the night with a good friend and then drove home on Sunday.

And, (*looks around guiltily*) I took Monday off. As a mental health day. I am just feeling a little burnt out at the moment and it helped to have an extra day to myself. I slept in, did an hour and a half of prenatal yoga, caught up on some reading and did some baking (blueberry muffins and brownies...yum!) So it was a good day. Except for all that crap in the news.

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On the pregnancy front, I've been feeling more movement lately. I am 18weeks today. The movement still kind of freaks me out. (Don't laugh) But its just so weird to think of something alive and moving independently inside me. Guess you can tell I'm a first-timer, huh? Looking ahead to the ultrasound on May 7...by that time, I'll already be over halfway done!

I've been having secret fun starting registries for us on line. Its still early so really they are just lists that I'm using to help me keep track of products I've read reviews on, had recommended, etc. until we can check them out in person. But it has been fun making lists and thinking about all the stuff one little person needs. And slightly daunting. I'm trying to keep things as minimalist as possible (I can hear your skeptical laughter from here). Alot of it just seems like so much fluff, if you ask me. But its fun looking at onesies and carseats and imagining some little person occupying them at some point. Some little person made partly up of me.

I'm equally excited and scared shitless for the moment that happens.